Revealing Kane

55 - Decisions

John and I have been apart now for three weeks, and if I'm honest with myself, it's been agonizing. I do miss him. I just don't want to get hurt again.

Christmas is next week, and John plans to fly in to be with Jack and me. It will be nice to be together again as a family. I hope his visit goes well.

We've talked some, but trans-Atlantic calls are expensive, so we keep them to once a week. We do write regularly. In fact, I think I have written to him almost every day. I tell him about something Jack has done or my work. I try my best not to bring us up. Meanwhile, John's letters are full of thoughtful insights he's had talking to his therapist or on his own. He's become very introspective. But he also brings up us reconciling. He wants it to happen during the holidays. While I'll be glad to see him, I don't think I'm ready to fully jump in yet.

I do not live with my parents or my Grammy. My parents' house was out of the question after Dad beat up John, and I simply didn't want to bother Gram. So, Jack and I have a cute little apartment in town. It's a month-to-month rental, so I can end the lease when I need to. It's frankly perfect.

I've been working again, primarily for maternity wear catalogs. I'm not complaining because it's work. Mom comes to the apartment and watches Jack while I work. She loves spending time with him. And I can see Jack adores his Gigi.

I return home from work one day, making my daily stop for the mail before heading into the apartment. I find a letter from John and smile. I do like that we're communicating this way. I find it sweet and romantic. It will do until we are reunited.

I don't wait until I'm inside to open it, as Mom can be nosy. I sit in my car by the complex's mailboxes and open the letter.

My Beloved Allison,

How are you, my darling? I miss you terribly. I can't wait to see you for Christmas. I hope you and Jack are well.

In this week's saga of How Stupid is John? I find myself pondering my life after an incident. I have been totally honest and upfront with you during this separation, so you know I've still been struggling with drugs and drink. I try my best, but it is plainly obvious to me and my therapist that I have serious addictions to both. That leads to my tale.

I went out last weekend with a friend who also likes to drink and party. It's Amanda's brother Bruiser. Don't go off the rails! Amanda was there, but she knows she and I are through. She was there with her friends mostly. Anyway, Bruiser and I ended up bar-hopping, doing shots, and having a good time.

Here's where the problem comes in. Bruiser left me around midnight, but I did not stop. I bought cocaine and used it. I continued to use and drink into the wee hours of the morning when I found myself in a stranger's house going on about idiotic nonsense. I took a cab home, needing to empty my body of the poisons I'd put in it. I felt like I was going to die. I collapsed on our bed and didn't wake up until after dark. And it scared me.

I'll bet you're thinking, 'How is this different from any other time?' It's different because, for the first time, I realize how detrimental all of this behaviour is. How much I'm hurting myself, my family, and most of all you. Yes, I've realized it before, but not this profoundly. I keep thinking about your Dad and how long you've had drunk assholes in your life.

I don't want to keep doing this. I need to change, or I will die. I don't want to do that to you or our beautiful babies. And I don't want to scare you, but I have to stop the madness.

My therapist and I have talked about this incessantly since it happened. Do you know what she said to me? 'You could be someone, John, if you'd just get sober.' And me, being the stupid wanker I am, got indignant. My ego flared as it yelled, 'I am someone! Don't you know who I am?!' But that's not what she meant. She meant I could become a whole person - the person I'm meant to be - if I stopped altering myself with substances. And I've realized she's right.