Revealing Kane

48 - Seeing Things

I've been at my parent's house in Pennsylvania now for two weeks, and I've not heard a word from John. Nothing. Silence. I am absolutely shattered over him.

When he took me to the airport that last day, he was very quiet. Melancholy, I suppose, as I was too. I didn't want to leave him and our home, but his betrayal had hurt me deeply. I knew I couldn't lie beside him every night as if nothing had happened. So, I said goodbye to him and boarded my plane to the States. No kiss. No hug. I just turned and left him standing there. I didn't even look back.

Now that a fortnight has passed, I worry if I have pushed him too far. I wonder if he has simply not chosen me and continued with the Amanda chick. I wonder if I will ever see him again.

Mom and Dad do not know what has happened between John and me. I know I will have to tell them someday - probably when we divorce - but right now, I do not need my Dad's bluster on top of everything I feel.

What exactly do I feel? Hurt. Sad. Betrayed. Not good enough. And lost without him. I love John more than anything, and I can't stand being away from him. I just wish he would call. I want to hear his voice. I feel like I've lost a limb. Or maybe just my heart.

Jack seems unaffected even if he asks me about Dada frequently. I don't want him to see my pain, so I just kiss his sweet, chubby cheeks and tell him Dada is working. It's the story I'm telling everyone. It might be accurate, but what John is working at is the unknown. I hope it's not getting laid.

My maternal Grammy is psychic. She reads both tarot cards and palms, and she often knows things no one else knows. I've been avoiding her for this exact reason. I know she will read me like a book, and I don't want my dirty laundry out there. But of course, she comes over early on Thanksgiving day. So, I try to avoid Grammy, helping Mom, or taking Jack for a walk, but I can feel her eyes on me the whole day. She's reading me, and I don't like it.

Jack needs his diaper changed, so I carry him upstairs to my former and now current bedroom. Want to know what sucks about being back in this room? I am Duranie, remember? John and the rest of his band stare at me from the posters on my walls. I miss John so much, and seeing him like this doesn't help. I probably should take the posters down, but I don't want to. Besides, I see John every time I look at Jack.

"Allison," I hear, and pale as Grammy steps into the room.

I nervously greet her as I put a new diaper under Jack's bottom.

"Baby girl, what's wrong?" she asks as she lays her hand on my forearm.

As soon as she touches me, she gasps and pulls her hand away. She saw. Damn it, she saw it all.

"I need my cards," Grammy says and goes to hurry from the room.

"Please don't," I say, causing her to pause near the door. "I'll tell you everything as long as you promise not to repeat it. Dad was enough of an ass at the wedding."

I watch Gram's face wrinkle in disgust. I know she doesn't particularly like my father. I'm afraid she'll feel the same way about John. I finish with Jack's diaper as she crosses back to me.

"This young man is very smart and handsome. He'll make you proud one day," Grammy says as I pick Jack up from the bed.

"Dada!" Jack shouts as he points to a nearby poster.

I see Grammy's eyes go from Jack's face to the poster that hangs on the wall over my bed. Her eyes grow wide as she recognizes the similarity between my son and his father.

"Is that musician your husband?" she asks, as she has never met John.

I turn and look at the poster. It's from the 1987 tour, and John looks sooo good.

"He is. We met in London, had a whirlwind romance, and I got pregnant. But now... he's broken my heart. I don't know what to do, Grammy," I tell her as I fight tears.

"Let me see," Grammy whispers as she reaches for my hand.

I sigh as I let her grasp my wrist and pull it to her. She turns over my hand so the palm is up and starts to study its lines.

"Hmmm," she starts, making my heart beat faster. "Your love line is very long, deep, and strong with no breaks, so that is good. Now your marriage line... Allison, I have to be honest. I see a lot of turmoil."

"What?" I say, pressing my face close to my hand. "Are we going to get divorced?"

"That is uncertain. There's just a lot of discord. You're going to have to work to make your marriage stable. Has he been dishonest?" Grammy asks, and now I'm fighting tears as I nod. "Well... you'll be okay. I'd love to see his hands."

"What else?" I push, now fully curious.

"I see lots of love, success, and babies," Grammy giggles.

"With John?"

"No. I see an N name. Not common."

"Nigel?" I blurt.

"Yes!"

"That's his real name. He goes by his middle name, John, but his first name is actually Nigel," I explain, and Grammy smiles.

"That explains a lot. There's a duality, right?" she asks, and I nod.

"He's a Gemini," I tell her, and it's her turn to nod.

"But I also see that Nigel is your soulmate. John is the troublemaker. Be wary of him. But Nigel will always love you," Grammy says, making me tear up.

"I miss him, Gram," I tell her, and she nods.

"He's going to make a grand gesture. Something that will bond you together once again. I can't see it, but it's coming. It will bring much change."

Change. That's exactly what John needs to do. Changes within him will change us. I hope this prophecy comes true.

"Okay. Thank you. I love you, Gram."

"I love you, sweetheart," she says and kisses my palm. "Now, this baby," she starts as she lays her hands on my belly.

"Don't tell me what it is," I tell her, and she nods as she smiles.

"Another strong and beautiful one. You and this man make wonderful babies," Gram says, and I lightly laugh. "He loves you, Allison. Don't doubt that. He made a mistake. Forgive him."

Grammy looks deep into my eyes as she says these words, and I immediately tear up. I bite my lip as I try not to cry, so Gram touches my face.

"It's okay. I know it hurts. Men are stupid in love. Do you think it was easy for me and Grandpa?" she says, and I flinch in shock.

"But you and Grandpa were so in love," I argue.

"Yes, we were, but that took years of work. He had a wandering eye, too," she reveals, and I gasp. "This other woman... I feel she was nothing. A flirtation, maybe. Yes, he thought about more, but he didn't do it."

Is she talking about Grandpa or John?

"It will be okay. I promise. Your love is strong and true. But there's a blockage between you. It will eventually clear if both of you work at it," she then tells me, and I nod as my tears spill. "Don't cry, sweetheart. I know you love him."

"So much, Grammy. But this really hurts."

"I know, I know," Gram says as she hugs me. "Enough of this. Let's go see what your mother is up to."

"Okay. I'll be right there. Thank you, Grammy."

"You're welcome, Allison," she says and leaves the room.

I turn to look at my favorite poster of John as I sigh. This one is from the famous 1984 Francesco Scavullo photoshoot, and John looks fantastic. His jaw looks so sharply square. I love his blonde bangs. Correction. I love him. I always will, no matter what. I just hope he loves me enough to change his behavior. With that thought, I turn and go downstairs to join my family.