Revealing Kane

47 - Pitiful

John

I stand here gobsmacked as Allison walks away from me. She's leaving me. And this time, it will be for good. I've lost her and the kids. All because I can't live a normal life. Be a normal man like my Dad. As Mum asked, when am I going to grow up?

I can't let Allison go. I love her too much. I have to fight for her. But then, why did I almost cheat on her? I should never have looked twice at Amanda. Allison is so much more than Amanda. Yet I perused Amanda like the idiot I am.

I have so many emotions right now. Sorrow, anger, hurt, and it all makes me weak. I don't know how to convince Allison to stay. I'm usually the one who can charm my way anywhere. Charm won't work here. But I have to try. I can't just let this end.

I rush up the stairs, determined to talk to Allison. She can't leave. We have a baby on the way. We have a life to live. We love each other. We need to work this out.

As I step into our bedroom, I see Allison sitting on the bed. She's clutching something to her chest, and she's sobbing. My heart breaks for her pain. I move to her side and tentatively put my hand on her shoulder. She immediately smacks me away, but I put my hand back. She smacks me again, but I still want to comfort her, so I put my hand there again.

"Get off me!" she roars, but I'm determined to help her. "Leave me alone, John. I don't want you near me," she cries, and it hurts my heart.

"Allison, please-"

"Allison, please. Allison, please," she mocks. "You broke my heart, John. I can't look at you anymore. Leave me alone."

"I won't. I love you, and I'm not leaving you. I want us to fix this-"

"We can't. I'll forever see that picture of you laughing with her. With her!" she yells and then breaks down crying again.

I can't stand to see my Ally like this. I've hurt her deeply, and I know it will take time for her to get over my mistake. But first, I have to get her to allow me back in.

"I'll do anything. Please let me fix this. I can't live without you. And you know you can't live without me. We've already been apart, and we were both miserable. Help me fix what I've broken," I beg her.

Allison looks up at me, her eyes and nose red and puffy, and she's still beautiful. I love her beyond any words. I've caused her this pain, so I have to relieve it. I'm just not sure how.

"You won't change. Not for me and not for the kids. This can't be fixed until you stop living your life for an image. Be the real you, not this persona you feel you need to be 24/7, 365. I love you, John, but I can't stand this anymore. You have to let me go," Allison tells me, her face drawn and sad.

"No, Allison. I love you. I can't let you go. I won't. Help me fix us. Please. Please," I beg, but she lets out a huge heaving sigh.

"John, I-"

The phone starts to ring. Neither of us moves. Whoever it is can wait. Allison is far more important than any phone call. Besides, the answerphone will get it.

"Aren't you going to answer? Maybe it's something important to your career," Allison sneers, and I hate all I have done to her.

Even though she's angry and a little sarcastic, Allison is winding down. Maybe we can talk some more. Get to a place where we both can move forward with each other. But that's honestly up to her.

"John? Am I really who you want?" Allison asks, the pain deep in her eyes.

"You're all I want," I tell her, and she scoffs. "I'm telling you the truth. I don't know why I was so stupid. I would never want to lose you. I just- I'm a mess," I admit, the shame of the entire situation washing over me.

A silence falls as neither of us speaks. I know I hurt Allison, but I also know how strong and resilient she is. Loads more than I am on both counts. She will move on from this. The question is: will she do it with me or apart from me?

I watch as Allison finally relinquishes what she had been clutching onto so hard, and I want to cry for her. It's just a little trinket I bought her when we were first dating, but it obviously means a lot to her. She sets the little ceramic cat on the nightstand and gets to her feet. Panic shoots through me as I think she's going to leave, so I grab her hand. She stops and looks at me, a tiny smirk on her lips. Is she finally calming down?

"I'm going to the loo. Be right back," she says, squeezes my hand, and moves into the en suite.

Then the phone starts to ring again. What if it's Yasmin because something's wrong with Jack? I quickly go to the phone on my nightstand and snatch it up. I breathe my hello, hoping Jack is okay.

"John? Is that you?" I hear and feel my blood drain to my toes.

"Amanda. You can't call here-"

"I know. Your wife might answer. I just missed you. Are you coming out tonight?" she asks, and I want to scream.

"No, I'm not. We're through. I love my wife, and I'm not messing that up for anyone," I tell her, my tone harsh.

"But John-"

"No. I was an idiot for allowing this for so long. I wish you the best, but don't call here again," I snap and hang up the phone forcefully, hearing its internal bells ring in protest.

I sigh in frustration. I am such an idiot. I did this to myself. And to Allison. We've fought for so long to get where we are, and I go and almost blow it all up. There is something wrong with me.

"Is that what you really wanted to say?" I hear and lift my head to see Allison hovering near the bathroom doorway.

"Yes. I'm not losing you over this. She can piss right off," I tell her determinedly, but I can see doubt in her eyes.

"That's just it, John," she says, and I know she's about to level me with a truth. "You won't lose me over her. You'll lose me over you and your inability to change."

Damn it. Why does she have to be so wise? Better yet, why is my 20-year-old wife more mature than me? Honest truth? I've never matured past 20 myself. I'm stunted at the age I was when we first started on this path to enormous fame. And it's obvious she wants me to grow up, just like so many others.

"I don't want to lose you. I'll do anything. Name it, and I'll do it," I promise, even as a part of me hopes it is not something undoable.

"You know what you can do? Drive me and Jack to the airport. I'm going home. I need time to think," she says.

"But Allison-"

"No! You stay here and decide whether or not you want to be in this marriage. Whether or not you can love yourself enough to love me. Whether or not we can move forward together," she tells me, and I see the deep pain in her eyes.

"Allison, I have loved you since the day I met you. That is not going to change. But maybe you are right. I have a lot to think about. Including why I can't love you right," I tell her and watch her take a shuddering breath. "Want me to book your flight?"

"I'll get them at the airport," she tells me, and all I can do is nod.