Revealing Kane

19 - Bumpy Ride

John

I can not believe I've been arrested and charged with drink driving. For once, I really didn't have that much to drink. Well, at least not to my usual stupor-inducing levels. I just hadn't eaten, and the few drinks I had obviously impaired me more than I knew. I'm such an idiot.

Now, I face a fine and getting my license suspended. How the hell will I get around London if I lose my license? I hate having to depend on cabs. This is such an annoying mess.

I need to get home to Allison. She is the salve to my wounds. She will love me out of my funk. I've been so depressed as of late. The band is doing terribly, and I can barely function within it anymore. I feel like a total waste. Allison is the only light in my darkness. I need her.

It's after three in the morning when I stumble into the house. Everything is dark, as Allison is obviously in bed. I need to check the house is secure, and then I will join her. I'm knackered from all the bullshit. Maybe all is okay, and I can just go to bed.

Yet, as I empty my pockets onto a table in the den, I manage to knock things off the table. Perhaps I am drunker than I thought. I sigh as I bend down to pick up the items. Why the hell am I such a fool? Why does everything have to be so complicated? My life is utter shit except for Allison.

I'm hoping I didn't wake her as I get to my feet. Before I can react, Allison is there, and she's swinging a cricket bat at me. It collides with my arm, and fuck does that hurt! I spew curse words as I snatch the bat from a shocked Allison's hands. I know she was protecting herself, and I can't be mad at her for that, but fuck! Who knew she packed such strength?

I'm angry at myself for the situation I'm in, but I end up taking it out on Allison. We get into a fight because I don't like her questioning me. Mostly because I already feel stupid enough about my actions tonight. I try to leave the house to escape her mothering (smothering) me, yet she chases after me and begs me to stay. I give in, and we go to bed, where we end up making love. Thank God we connect in that way. It always brings both of us back to earth.

Now, I'm lying here smoking and watching Allison sleep. I hate that I worried her and disrupted her sleep. She's been so tired of late, and I know it's because she's pregnant. I am still so thrilled we're having a baby. Or am I? Why have I been depressed if I'm so happy? What is it that nags at me? Is it my old concern that I cannot lose my place in the band or its place in the world? I'm not rightly sure, but I've got to snap out of it. I have a fiancée and a baby to care for.

I eventually fall asleep, but it is fitful. My mind won't stop worrying about my future. What if my marrying Allison is the death shot to Duran Duran? Our career is floundering at best, and I don't want to make it worse in any way. Maybe we don't have to marry. Maybe we can just stay engaged and raise the baby together. We'll marry when my career is more stable. That might be the solution.

When Allison gets out of bed to get ready for the day, I'm grumpy. I didn't get enough sleep, and I have too much pressure on me. I don't like the place my life is in.

"Where are you going?" I grumble at Allison as I watch her pull on clothes.

"I have a shoot today."

"Why?"

"Why?" she responds, incredulous at my question. "Because it's my job. What's with you today?"

"I want you to stay here with me," I practically whine, but Allison doesn't melt like she usually would.

"Well, I have to go to work. Will you be home later?" she asks as she brushes out her beautifully shiny hair.

"I should go to the studio," I complain.

"Then you should. I'll see you later, yeah?" she says as she leans over the bed. She gives me a quick kiss and a soft smile.

"Yeah," I sigh and see her face shadow with concern.

"What's wrong? You haven't been right for a bit now. Are you feeling all right?" Allison asks as she presses the back of her hand to my forehead.

"I just miss you," I whine.

"I miss you too, but I gotta go. Sorry. We'll chat later. Bye, love," she chirps, kisses me one more, and is gone.

I sigh heavily and pull the covers up over my head. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I have a happy family life like the others? Why was I made the pinup - the face - of the band? Did I do it to myself in order to promote the band? I am so annoyed and depressed at the state of my life. I love Allison and can't stand to be apart from her yet... my place in the band is super important. And our entire life hinges on the income I bring in. I'm in a right mess. Again.

I throw off the covers in disgust. I just want to be happy, and I'm not. It's not in any way Allison's fault. I just feel out of sorts. Like I don't have the skills to cope with life. Why is it so hard? Did Mum and Dad not raise me properly? Spoil their only child too much? I don't know, but I'm miserable.

I lay in bed and sulk until I fall back asleep. When I wake again, it is mid-afternoon—another day wasted. I'm useless to everyone. Even my place in the band is tenuous. I know Warren could play my parts if I fell away. I had to endure being replaced once before when I injured my right hand, and I hated every moment of it. I can't let that happen again. But I don't want to let Allison down, either. What am I supposed to do?

Allison. She is my everything, yet my biggest issue. I love her like mad, yet I don't want her to affect my career - what's left of it, anyway. I'm thrilled she's pregnant, yet I don't want to be known as a father. Why am I so confused by this place in my life? I'm happy, yet I'm so upset. What is wrong with me?

I'm still in bed when Allison comes home. I hear her moving about downstairs. I should just let her go before I hurt her. I love her, and I know I'd be miserable without her. Yet I'm miserable with her. Does she make any difference in my life? Of course, she does. Without her, I'd be much, much worse. Maybe even dead.

"John?" I hear, and a moment later, my beautiful girl is in my line of vision. "Have you stayed in bed all day?"

Her voice is full of worry for my sorry state. How do I articulate all that I think and feel without hurting her? I don't want to lose her either. I look up at her and give her a weary smile.

"I'm all right, darling. Just a bit out of sorts, I reckon," I tell her, but it doesn't remove the furrow in her brows.

"Out of sorts about what?" she asks, but there's no way I can answer that question.

Not truthfully, anyway. I can't tell her of the two competing loves of my life - her and Duran.

"I'm just concerned about the arrest, you know? I don't want it to get out, but it's probably already in the papers. Plus, I worried you. I'm such an idiot," I complain, and Allison does exactly what I need her to. Support and love me.

"It'll be all right, babe. I'm here by your side through it all. We'll get through this and be stronger for it, yeah?" she says with an assured smile.

"You think?" I cower one more time.

"I'm certain of it. Now, come on. Out of bed with you. I've brought home a takeaway. Chinese," she tempts, and I can't help but smile.

Allison is my all. Her presence heals me, mind, body, and soul. Without her, I would be lost. When we are together, I feel like I can do anything. It's when the outside world pulls at one of us and keeps us apart that my darkness creeps in. For her sake, I must do what I can to keep that away. I cannot lose her because I need Allison like I need air.

"I love you, Allison Kane," I tell her, and I sincerely mean it.

"I love you, John Taylor. Now get out of that bloody bed!" she teases, and I laugh heartily as my heart fills with unfettered joy.