Revealing Kane

36 - Reconnecting

"What do you mean you're going out?"

I'm incredulous, holding my screaming baby, as John tells me he's going out for the night. Again.

"I have work," he tells me, and I can tell by his shifty eyes that he's lying.

"You do not," I counter as I try to comfort Jack.

"I do."

"I'll call Simon and ask him then," I say, turning to go to the phone.

"He's not going with me," John says as I walk away.

This is how it has been since the big fight. John goes out and comes home drunk almost every night. Meanwhile, Jack cries fitfully every night, and I'm left alone to deal with it. Some nights, I think I'm going to lose my mind. 

"Why can't you stay here and help me with Jack?" I ask, but John just glares at me.

"Someone has to earn money so we can live," he snarls.

That's his new tactic. Since I'm no longer working, he's the sole provider, and he does not let me forget it. Yet, he forgets that I do the grocery shopping and do not use his money. I saved for quite a while, and it's my money that feeds us. Plus, I pretty much pay for anything Jack or I need. My savings account is dwindling, but it should last until I start working again.

"How does you going out and partying qualify as work? It's not like you're going to the studio to write new songs," I argue.

"I'm in the studio during the day. This is to make appearances. That is just as important to the longevity of the band," he counters.

"You just don't want to be here with me and Jack. Admit it."

I've had enough of John's lies and reasoning because it is utter bullshit. And I will call him out on it because, like it or not, he's my husband. And to prove my point, John does not reply to my last statement. With a big, dramatic sigh, he turns back to me.

"Fine. I'll stay and help," John snaps, and when he reaches for Jack, I let him take the baby.

John holds Jack close, shushing and bouncing him. Jack continues to scream, his body taut and his face red. And it's not long before John is getting frustrated.

"Why does he do this?" John asks.

"I don't know. Your Mom and Yazzy don't know either. I'm taking him to the doctor tomorrow," I tell John, and he nods as he resumes trying to comfort the baby.

Three hours later, John and I are both exhausted and emotional as Jack finally quiets down. I hold him close as he sleepily feeds from me. John watches from a distance, fighting sleep himself.

"He's a right mess," John whispers.

I look up at him with tears in my eyes and say, "I'm worried something is seriously wrong."

"I don't think so. At least, I hope not. But this crying fit every night has gone on too long. We need answers and hopefully help," John says, and I wearily nod. "Coming to bed soon?" John then asks as he starts to leave the room.

"As long as he falls asleep and stays, yes," I tell him, and he nods before he leaves the room.

I watch John leave. I'm worried about him, too. I don't know why he feels the need to go out so often. What is he honestly doing besides drinking? For all I know, he could be hooking up with other women. Would he cheat on me? I hope not, but I'm uncertain, and that's not a good place to be.

Twenty minutes later, I sigh as I literally crawl into our bed. The room is silent, so I suspect that John is asleep. Yet, as I wiggle around to get comfortable, I feel John's hands reach for me. I move closer and settle into him, my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest. His one hand rests on my hip while his other clasps mine.