Revealing Kane

18 - Uncertainty

We've returned from Italy, and I am deliriously happy. John proposing in such a romantic way made my year. I still sometimes can't believe I'm engaged to John, but then I look at my beautiful ring and smile. John means everything to me, and I am so grateful he's in my life.

Now that I no longer have to hide my pregnancy from anyone, I swear I've gotten bigger overnight. I love my baby belly, and so does John. He kisses the bump every night before we go to sleep. It's obvious how happy he is, and that makes my heart soar.

Diane was thrilled when she found out we had gotten engaged, and now I'm working as much as I was before I was pregnant. Occasionally, clients tell me they're going to hide my belly behind some artfully positioned backdrop or prop, and that's okay. As long I don't lose my career, I'm happy. I enjoy modeling, and I want to be able to continue doing it after the baby is born.

John is busy working in the studio, and I'm glad. Yet, I can see how the dynamics within the band bring him down at times. I see him struggling with the situation, and it hurts me that I can't help him. I'm glad all of that doesn't affect us, though. We're still so in love. I'm not sure that will ever change. And the baby just makes it all so much better.

It's been another long day, and as I ride home in a cab, I think about John. I love him beyond measure, and I'm fairly sure he feels the same about me, but something is off. He seems melancholy sometimes when he comes in from his work. At least when he sees me, he smiles, and his mood lifts. But something isn't right within Duran.

I get to the house and find John isn't home. It's strange because he's usually home by the time I get here. But he did tell me he might be late for the next few days as they work on both their greatest hits album and some new music. I shrug off my feelings of concern and head into the kitchen to make dinner.

I make a simple dinner of chicken, rice, and vegetables, and I'm starving by the time it's ready. The problem is John still isn't home. I hate to eat without him, but I've barely eaten all day. He'd be angrier if I didn't eat than if I ate without him. So I dine in lonely silence, with his cling-wrapped plate waiting in the refrigerator.

After I clean up the kitchen, I move into the den to watch some TV. I curl up on the sofa and try to get lost in a program, but my mind keeps going to John. Where is he, and is he okay? I don't think he's ever been this late.

By 10 pm, I'm very tired and very worried. My overactive imagination has me thinking all sorts of terrible things. Things like John is hurt and in the hospital. John has taken drugs and is out of his mind. And the worst, John is off with another woman cheating on me. These intrusive thoughts are driving me crazy!

I have an early shoot tomorrow, so I know I need to go to bed, but I can't stop worrying about John. I wish he'd call to tell me he's okay. But the phone stays silent.

It's after 11 when I finally drag my exhausted body to bed. I change into a silk nighty and slip under the covers, but I still can't fall asleep. Where is John? I toss and turn, nodding off only to be startled awake by horrible thoughts of what has befallen my fiancé.

A noise awakens me. What was that? I bolt up in bed but sit there waiting for more noise. At first, there's nothing. Then I hear a crash downstairs, and my heart leaps into my throat. Someone is in the house! Someone is in the place, and I'm alone! Dear God, where is John?

I'm scared out of my mind as I climb out of bed. John keeps a cricket bat near the bedroom door in case of intruders, and I grab it as I quietly open the door. I tiptoe into the hall and head for the stairs. I hear more shuffling about downstairs, so as I creep down the flight, I raise the bat in preparation to swing it. I will clobber whoever is in the house. I have to protect myself and my baby.