Revealing Kane

45 - Lost

John

I stare at the phone receiver in shock. Allison hung up on me, and she sounded extremely mad. I reckon she saw the pictures in today's issue of The Sun. I'm a right fool.

I return to the studio, where everyone is watching me. I shuffle to my seat and put my head in my hands. Have I lost Allison? She might never forgive me for this. What was I thinking being out with another woman? But Amanda intrigued me. I'm an idiot.

After our first encounter months ago, I had forgotten all about Amanda. Then, a few weeks after Allison found out she was pregnant again, Nick and I were the guests on Amanda's show The Word. We had a good time discussing Duran and music, and I was attracted to her again. I tried my best to fight it and succeeded for a while. But then I ran into Amanda one night in a club while I was out drinking with friends. And I fell.

No, we have not had sex. We haven't even kissed, but we both have wanted to. We've come close to kissing. And as those pictures show, we've become cozy. Too cozy for a married man to be with another woman, I reckon. But Amanda captivated me.

I have to fix this. I have to get rid of Amanda and assure Allison I haven't cheated on her. I genuinely haven't, and I'm glad I managed to restrain myself. Barely.

"What did Allison say?" Simon asks, his tone full of disgust.

"She told me not to come home. To go be with my new girlfriend," I wearily answer.

"She's right cross then?" Nick asks.

"I'd say so. She's hung up on me."

"Good for her!" Simon cheers.

"Fuck off," I snarl as I get to my feet. "I'm going home."

"But Allison said-"

"She's angry, and rightfully so. I can't let her stay like this. I'll talk to you all tomorrow," I say as I slip into my jacket.

"If you live," Warren quips, so I give him a sarcastic smile and stalk from his house.

On the drive home, I worry about how angry Allison actually is. I know I deserve her ire as I've been a complete idiot, but I don't want to lose her. Then again, maybe that thought should have kept me away from Amanda.

Once I reach the house, I hurry inside. It's eerily quiet. Maybe Jack is napping, but I look at my watch and see it's too late in the day for that. Maybe Allison went for a walk to blow off some steam. No, the pushchair is right there, and she wouldn't leave Jack alone.

"Allison?" I call and receive no answer.

Deja vu hits me as I remember that day almost two years ago when I wandered around the house looking for Allison, only to find she had left. Once again, I have driven her away with my antics. Why do I sabotage my life like this? Why can't I just be happy and settle down? What is wrong with me?

I go upstairs and into our bedroom. I open Allison's wardrobe and notice her suitcase is gone, as are some of her clothes. I rush to Jack's room and find his things gone as well. I then return to our room and go to the drawer where we keep our important documents. Both Allison and Jack's passports are gone. Fuck!

As I go to close the drawer, I see our marriage certificate. I pick it up and look at it. This piece of paper binds my life to Allison's. It makes her my wife. I look at her signature. Even with all the bollocks with her father that day, she was so happy to marry me. She loves me like no other. I sigh as I put it back. Why would I betray her like I did? Why couldn't I just honor our vows?

I shuffle to the bed and sit, burying my head in my hands. I may have lost Allison for good this time. If she took the passports, she's probably on a flight to the States right now. I could follow her, but I wouldn't know where to go once the plane landed. I could call her Mum for their address, but that would alert them that something is wrong. Her Dad will want to kill me. Maybe I should let him.

With a loud sigh, I get to my feet and trudge downstairs. Allison is gone. It's only a matter of time until I'm served with divorce papers. I hate that I've done this to her. After all that we've been through and all that we've fought for, I've gone and completely destroyed our relationship. Why did I do that? Why can't I just be a normal bloke with a normal life? Yes, I'm famous, but that life doesn't have to interfere with my private life.

It hits me like a punch to the stomach. For some stupid reason, I've always lived my private life like I'm on stage. I need everyone to look at me and to prove I'm a rock n roll star. My private life isn't private. I can't just be home and be quiet and content. I think I need to be out partying. And because of it, I may have lost my darling Allison.

I drag myself into the kitchen. I'm hungry, but my stomach is in knots. Besides, what could I eat by myself? Right now, I would love one of Allison's home-cooked meals. She took such good care of me, and look what I did to her. I'm such a pillock.

I cross to the sink to get a drink of water. As I reach into the cabinet to get a glass, I see it. Today's issue of The Sun lies open on the counter. Those fucking pictures. And lying right in the middle of the pages are Allison's rings. Both her engagement ring and wedding band are there. She took them off and left them. I've broken us.

As I pick up her rings, the phone sounds. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hear any bollocks about the pictures. But what if it's Allison? I want her to come back so we can talk. I will take everything she says so that I don't lose her. I rush to the phone and pick it up.

"Allison?" I breathe, praying it's her.

"John? What have you done?" Mum says, and I want to scream.

"Hi, Mum. I reckon you saw the pictures?"

"Yes. Mrs. McCullough from down the street brought them to me. How could you do this, John? You're a husband and a father, and you run about like none of it matters," Mum scolds, and I deserve it.

"It deeply matters, Mum. I'm a complete idiot. I've lost her, Mum, and it hurts," I say, but Mum huffs at me.

"Imagine how Allison feels. I raised you better than this, Nigel. But you can't keep it in your trousers, can you?"

Mum has resorted to calling me by my first name, Nigel. She has to be really mad to do that. But I do deserve her ire. I've broken my family.

"I didn't cheat on Allison, Mum," I sigh, mostly because I know those pictures don't look good.

"If that's true, then that's a relief. So, where is Allison? And Jack?"

"They're gone, Mum. I reckon she's gone home to her family. She left her rings here, though," I tell her, and her response is a heavy sigh.

"When are you going to grow up, Nigel?" Mum angrily says, and it hits like a punch.

"I don't know, Mum," I wearily tell her and hang up the phone without a goodbye.

I just want Allison back. I want her back to continue our life before Amanda. Why did I do this? Why do I sabotage my life like this? What is wrong with me?

I have to fix this. I have to. I can't live without Allison. Or Jack. And there's a new baby on the way, too. My family can't be gone.

"Why did I do this!" I yell into the empty house.

I hate myself. And I'm sure Allison hates me, too.