Revealing Kane

23 - Which Way?

We stay in Birmingham until the day after Boxing Day. John says he wants to spend New Year's in London, and I'm fine with that. Besides, other than the walk just before Christmas, John and I haven't really talked. And it's something we desperately need to do.

I spent too much time thinking while we visited his parents, and my thoughts concern me. When we had first reconciled, John had been so determined for us to be together, be happy, and damn whoever was against us. But now he seems to have done an about-face. Is he questioning our relationship? My happiness? I don't like the place his mind is in, and I know we need to talk it out.

Another issue is John's license. He can't legally drive, and I have never taken my driver's test, so I can't either. Sure, there are taxis and such, but it seems like such a hassle. Maybe it's time I do what I need to get my license. But as a non-British citizen, can I test here? Will I have to go back to the States to get my license? Will testing be more of a hassle than it's worth? Again, it's something I need to broach with John.

As soon as we are back in London, my work comes calling. Diane says she had many firms lining up to use me in their maternity campaigns. Yasmin was right! It's such a relief to know I'll continue to work. At least until I call it off.

I've been seriously thinking about quitting modeling after the baby is born. Sure, we could hire a nanny, but do I want someone else raising our children? Anyway, my caring for the baby would be cheaper than hiring someone. Plus, I'm sure John's Mom and Yazzy will help if I really need them to. So, if I'm going to 'retire,' I need to work as much as possible to save up. I don't want to burden John financially if I don't have to.

I come home from a long day at work and find John on the phone. He sees me and smiles, making a 'hold on' gesture by raising his pointer finger. I nod as I shed my coat and hang it up. John quickly ends his call and gets to his feet, coming straight to me. He gathers me into his arms and gently kisses me. This is the man I fell in love with.

"Have a good day?" he asks, and I smile and nod. "Good. Dinner is ready," he adds, takes my hand, and pulls me into the kitchen.

I see and smell dinner. It looks like steak, baked potatoes, and green beans. My mouth waters at the thought of taking a bite of the meal. John helps me into my chair, sits beside me, and starts to dish up.

We idly talk as we eat, mostly about my day but also about John's. I feel so relaxed and comfortable as we talk. I'm grateful for moments like this because it keeps us connected. And John always makes my words seem important to him. Maybe this is the time to broach my concerns. But we're both in such good moods that I hate to ruin that. Perhaps I should wait.

"All right, love?" John asks, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Sure, honey. I was just thinking about how nice this is. I love our talks. We haven't had the chance lately," I say, and John solemnly nods.

"I agree. But Mum and Dad took up a lot of our time-"

"And that's perfectly fine," I assure him, to which he nods. "I want to ask you something, but I don't want it to upset the evening," I say, and his face goes somber.

"Is it serious? Are you okay? The baby?" he asks, and I melt a little at his concern for us.

"We're both fine. It's you that's worrying," I start and see his eyes cloud with anger just slightly.

"What is it?" he asks sharply, and I have to remind myself to stay calm.

"Well... when we first got back together, you seemed so happy. Like I was your every joy, and you loved being with me. But lately... you seem like the opposite is now true. I want us to talk about everything and support each other always. So, what is wrong?"