Revealing Kane

31 - Frantic

John

My life is both a blessing and a curse. I know. What a cliche. But it is. I have this wonderful wife that I love beyond anything I've known before her. She carries my child, who will soon be born. Yet all I want to do is drink and drug myself into oblivion. It's not because of stress or pressure, even if both drive me to use sometimes. It's truly because it's a need. My body craves the stuff. Just like it craves Allison.

I want to stay clean for Allison and the baby. I want to be a proper husband and father. But the stuff makes me itch for it. My cells scream to be filled with the chemicals even as I fear what they do to my body. I can't stand to go without the aid of drugs and alcohol for long. I don't have the ability to stop, and I don't know why.

The others in the band all do cocaine with me. Warren, in particular, really uses the stuff. But all of them stop using and go on as normal. Yet I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. I need it something fierce.

Allison's due date is tomorrow, and I'm scared. Scared of what will happen once the baby is born. Will I be a good father? Will I be able to support my family? Will I fail at this as I do loads of other things? I don't want to disappoint Allison, but I fear it's exactly what I will do.

The nursery is almost finished. Allison has done a fantastic job with little help from me. Mum and Dad will be arriving soon. Mum wants to be here when Allison goes into labor. She wants to be with Allison before we leave for hospital. I, on the other hand, just want to run as far away as I can. But that would upset Allison.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I'll be thirty next month, and I'm still not sure I can do this. Have the wife and kids. Settle down. But why not? I deserve it like everyone else. Don't I? I reckon I do, but I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm too messed up to have that sort of life.

Allison. God, I look at her and the gorgeous person she is, and I want to cry. She deserves so much better than me. I'm only going to hurt her in the end. Honestly, I already have many times. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. But she loves me - I don't doubt that for one second - and I love her right back. We're good together. Great even. It's my addictions that get in the way.

Maybe I need help. Maybe I should up my sessions with my therapist. But does it help? I lie to the doctor constantly, telling him what I think he wants to hear. I never get into the deep stuff. The troubling stuff. The reasons I abuse substances, even as I have this wonderful life with Allison.

The doorbell rings, and I shove to my feet. I know I look like a mope, and that's confirmed when my Mum's smile vanishes. I invite my parents into the house and usher them upstairs, where Allison puts the final touches on the baby's room. Mum coos over Allison and the nursery. She's thrilled at how things are going. Allison is beaming with happy pride.

"Ooh!" Allison suddenly exclaims, her hand flying to the side of her huge belly.

My stomach drops to the floor and churns at the same time. Is Allison going into labor? Once she does, the baby will be here, and I'll be a father. The thought of that makes me nauseous. Responsible for a helpless baby? I'm barely responsible enough to take care of myself. Allison is the reason I can function most days.

"All right, dear?" Mum asks Ally.

Ally's face is tight. She looks like she's holding her breath. Her hand is circling the side of her belly. Is she having contractions? Then, she relaxes and exhales. She gives Mum a little smile, and then her eyes flit to me. She gives me an assuring nod. She's okay. For now.

Mum stays close to Ally most of the day, tending to her needs like I should. I am avoiding the whole thing. If I don't think about Ally going into labor, she won't. I can will this away for a bit longer.