Experimental Philosophical Psychology .

Unit III : Negativity .

Before I get into this I just want to tell you that this is basically an extremely dehumanizing non contemporary text, this basically means it's not polished, and also contains an overwhelming quantity of anger and sadness.

Let's get right into the point, I fucking hate myself and I hate everything, I'm an irresponsible fuck that doesn't deserve to live.

When I was a kid I thought I was unique, and I am, because I have suicidal intentions, which makes me stand out from every kid my age, as I am able to understand everything I see. And I just feel horrible to able to understand my surroundings and I just realized how truly miserable I truly am, I feel angered when anyone talks shit about things I like, I don't know if it's just me who can't handle criticism, well it's just me that's weak mentally am I right. But if I can't trust anyone, I'm sorry, I just don't feel confident talking with people about it, it's not my fault. I mean they humiliated me hundreds of times. Now I leaned to defend myself, say goodbye that pathetic loser because he ain't coming back. However, that's not the problem here, the problem is that people make me uncomfortable and humiliated in front of other people and expect me to stay, like fuck yeah I'm going to my room, though it is partly my fault. Sometimes I do this without noticing, I try to capture attention, and I fail, just like the failure I am, well I should just have a little fun before I die. Well honestly. Thank you mom, thank you dad for all these times I spent with you, well now it's too late, happiness became scars. I literally got used to being hated or humiliated, my only hiding spot, is my room. That's why I lock it when I'm inside, I need privacy, and since y'all don't understand that a teenager need some privacy, I need to lock my room from you guys just like I did for my brothers two years ago. though a lot of things will and pushed me into suicide. Nevertheless, I won't fall so easily. I thought making a bucket list. So at least I do those things before I die. That will keep me alive for a while, yes. I know that I'm playing with my life like it's a game. I do not care. It does not matter. Nothing matters, everything you do. The choices you took, don't matter in the end. Well I know what I'm doing. Everyone is already dead. So nothing matters. Sometimes I think going through all these tough times in life for not even an seventh of the suffering time resting and enjoying life, well no I don't think it's worth it. Personally, especially that I fell in love a couple times for the same girl. In addition, I hate myself for it. God I'm such a disappointment, I wish I was never born In the first place, so much pain just to rest for a couple times.

My life? Just stop fucking with it just let me fucking die. I don't feel anything now, I don't feel bored not happy not sad, just emptiness. I've been alive for far too long, I'm sure out of eight billion people, if one has gone missing, who'll care? Oh wait, the only thing right now keeping me alive is my own mother, it's my fault and I'm really sorry for what I'm doing to you. Sorry mom. Sometimes out of loneliness, I think about being loved before I sleep not in a sexual way, but I just need some warmth, it's a horrible feeling. To be honest, I'm never going to die a virgin, because life is going to fuck me to death. I think I already said that, whatever, I'm right now getting fucked by life, with all of these mistakes I've done. They're taking their vengeance for taking the wrong choices, sorry if what I just said doesn't make sense, I'm fucking crying right now whilst writing this, and so I said that fuck you all.

How the fuck do I care ? Fuck you all so much, who ever made fun of me, humiliated me, made me feel uncomfortable, fuck all of you. Anyways, Mistakes make you stronger, especially when you're the mistake, I must be strong as fuck. Right now, I want to fucking punch someone so fucking hard in their face, I just want to kill somebody. but I'm legally dismissed from killing any humans, so fuck laws too. But it's fine, I can harm myself, in addition of that I hate myself, that's brilliant isn't it. Myself, is all I hate, I hate myself so fucking bad, oh I'm not done bro, my life is miserable. Plus I feel like a disgusting sack of shit, who only cares about himself, I have a hole inside me and I try to find a purpose for my existence always making up excuses like I'm born like this, or this is how I am. I use pornography, sugar I use all these addictions to fill the whole inside of me, a big hole of emptiness piercing through me, desperately trying to fill the vast void of emptiness inside of me...
I can't even fulfill my duty as a son, brother or boyfriend, I've failed everyone around me I know, I hate myself, please, someone help me, I have nothing good inside me, I'm an empty shell, I'm a worthless peace of dog shit, I hate myself I hate myself, I hate everyone, I hate anyone, I hate myself.
I'm sorry, but
I hate myself...