I might say I don't thrive off of peoples validations, and its true. But I still cower to my comfort zone as soon as it's someone who I care for, I'm scared. I'm terrified of being judged by the ones I care for, it scares me. If they now see me as a mentally ill kid, and I may be not scared to be judged by strangers anymore, but they, the people I care for, and that care for me, well they...
I am scared of their judgement.
I feel so weak, and incapable in this situation, for instance, what if my dad read my suicidal and negative Units? I would be humiliated, as its understandable that everyone is vulnerable sometimes, and I was vulnerable more than once, but again like I said, I cannot show this weakness to anyone but me, I had to get off some of the pressure off my back so, you guessed it...
I wrote about killing myself, how predictable, I just gave up as soon as things got complicated, I feel like a coward, like I just ran away from reality, and now I realize that escape is but a mere illusion, so I decided to accept the truth as it is. I decided to face the real world, I decided to face reality face to face.
Perhaps I should not be scared, perhaps I was just lost in a roller coaster of emotions, I should forgive myself, as I finally understand that there is not place in my heart for hate or indignation.
Big risk, big reward or eternal resentment towards oneself, I look for stability and balance and when I found it, I stayed there, instead of moving on. I stayed there cowering, but now finally and again, I will face reality or perhaps this is just another lie I lie to myself not knowing how far down I am in this storm...
Delusion is the clouds that keep me away from the sun and resentment and indignity is the thunder, sadness is the rain and I am but a mere peasant, a standby a watcher, perhaps waiting for the sky to clear up was the best option after all, and then the burning sun, reality.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Or crippled.
YOU ARE READING
Experimental Philosophical Psychology .
Poesia-Warning, this story contains a very vile and variable vocabulary, and a violent language, please do not take any offense to this content this is simply my opinion and my point of view, this story contains various suicide and self harm references...
