Experimental Philosophical Psychology .

Unit XXXI : After-Thought ; Unidentified Stage .

I found myself in a vast plain, I was standing up, there was a child on my right, for some reason I couldn't look at him, he wasn't looking at me either, he was sitting down on the hill next to me. All I could do is admire the view, and then he starts speaking, for some reason I could not understand what he was saying, I can't remember.

Than the night started to fall and I was left alone, he just straight up disappeared, and then, there was this mirror, but no ordinary mirror, I was looking at my eyes specifically, something isn't right I said, my eyes look like they're contemplating something from miles away. It's like my reflection was looking through me, I felt anxious, uncomfortable, I look away in attempt to escape.

I woke up crying, I felt a cold chill down my spine, it was an uncommon dream, I was frustrated, I didn't know what to do, It felt unbearable.

I felt shame, it felt like I wanted no one to look at me but to look at me in the same time, I was lost, I didn't know what was to be trusted.

I found myself feeling touch starved, I realized, it was all my fault, I was the person to program myself, if today I'm like this, it means something, it means that I royally fucked up real bad. And there was no one to blame, but me. I feel so disgusted of myself, I wish I could just disappear and come back when I feel better.

I have no excuse today, I'm a piece of shit, and at least I'm trying, I'm trying to fix it but I fucked up. I was doing so great until I just failed miserably, and there's no other possible explanation, either I'm doing it on purpose or I'm just fucking stupid.

The pain I feel is irrelevant, why am I so weak, this is shameful, everything feels so hard so unbearable. I'm so fucking tired.

I tried sleeping more to avoid it, and it worked, but the awakening was just more painful each time.

I may make a lot of sexual jokes, but I'm really not like that, I'm all about hugs and cuddles, but no one will believe me, just because I tend to manipulate people, and I benefit both me and the target. I'm not a pervert, and I hate it, I hate knowing so much.

I tried to get as much knowledge as possible and I didn't even know this will destroy my innocence, and people will lose trust in me.

Honestly I've never thought I'd say this but, I really wish I did jump, I wish I did take a couple extra pills. Am I bipolar or what.

I was blinded by feelings, I was so lonely I wish I was secretly being watched, I was so angry I could take it out on myself if it meant feeling better, if it meant making that pain going away.

The memory fades but the feeling remains.