Experimental Philosophical Psychology .

Unit XLI : Terminal Transit, Sub-Finale .

After what felt like years, of continuously analyzing myself, I've only come to this final and correct conclusion, this will probably be my last Unit for a while, this whole book lacks polish, it really shows how I matured over the course of these amazing yet godawful years.

First, I would like to refer to Unit "XXIII : Gruesome Discussion", in this unit, I portrayed, how I felt verbally abused by my parents, they never said anything bad to me, but I that's what I heard, I have matured, and I believe there is nothing for them to be sorry for, I have been too sensitive. I feel in a very deep manner, please dear father, please dear mother, I have scarred myself, for life. Making hatred my new home.

After I finish writing this, I will go on to attempt to re-polish my book, and fix my amateur grammar mistakes.

Lately, I've found quite a fancy for this new genre of music, I don't know if I mentioned it in my last couple Units, but it's Depressive Suicidal Black Metal, I've become a very big fan of this genre. My father, also a fan, helped me find myself in this ocean of underground content, thank you dad. Now everyone thinks I'm following his steps, and trying to make him proud, forcefully. This statement gives me the feeling of not having a personality. I do not like it.

This Unit is truly different, I'm not going to ramble about my opinions on society or how awful I feel, but I will talk about how me and my guardians made me who I am, how I ruined myself

Because of how sensitive I am, I'm capable of noticing every single micro change in someone's facial expression or voice. My raising was mostly on my mother, so it was natural that I would be a lot like her. She, she was a manipulator, she did not really know it, she did it unconsciously, just like me now. I suffer from it, a lot. How my mom would manipulate people, is with gaslighting or so it's called, a normal fully grown person, would understand and or see it, but a child still learning from his mom, or a man married for over 20 years. The common thing you would see is that there is a strong trust relationship between both those situations, which makes it hard to believe that the mother and the wife are the same person. This strong trust relationship leaves a lot of space for manipulation. I love you mom, but that is the undeniable truth, and no matter what I will always love you, and I will never resent you for raising me this way, you made me a manipulator, yes but you made me an artist, a musician. You made me who I am, you and my father, thank you, both of you.

Because of this, I've developed many kinks over the time, and thank god for my girlfriend as she accepts me and loves me the way I am. I'm very grateful.

My parents, or mostly my mother, made me a people pleaser. She would always invalidate my feelings, or at least make me feel that way, like I shouldn't be feeling that way, and I should just man the fuck up. If I right now said that to her, she would deny it yet again.

Dear mother, I do not blame you, I know the things you went through I will not be mentioning them here as to respect her privacy, but I understand that your current self, is a result of your parents raising, they made mistakes too, and their mistakes will be passed down to you. However, either you try to be like your parents or the opposite.

Mom I never told you about my suicide attempts, and I have no regret towards staying silent, as you would have just invalidated them again or maybe not. I don't know and I would rather not find out.

My emotional outlets changed over the years. First, it was harming myself, with very creative and variable methods, then it was writing, and finally, music it helped me and it still is helping me.

Dear Father, I don't have a lot to say, thank you for supporting me in my projects, and for making me who I am today.

My childhood wasn't perfect, it was quite toxic, my parents would disagree, and I know why. They did their best, and I'm very grateful.

I thank you both very much.

After re-reading almost everything, I see that I've been very strong this whole time. Surviving through depression and even suicide.