Experimental Philosophical Psychology .

Unit XXVII : Misunderstandable

I always thought I was lonely, but not long ago I realized I wasn't lonely, I was simply alone, and some might say that I just need people around me. Loneliness, I being lonely in a certain zone and is generally temporary, and you're understood most of the times, but being alone is ubiquitous, everywhere, all the time, you will never be understood.

No one ever will understand you, and you may be surrounded by people, yet still feel abandoned, misunderstood. A lot of people might say things like "Some people are having it worst than you" in other words they're suggesting you having no right to feel sad because someone out there is sadder than me? So if we convert this into other emotions, I can't be happy because someone out there is happier than me. See how stupid it sounds, and so what I want to say is that generally I feel like I'm in a long hallway, with people on both side. Being very far but I can't go there, I can't join the crowd, no matter how much I run, I reach some people, but they grow distant, and even sometimes disappear, they leave me behind the couple people close to me on an comical scale.

But what I mean is that you are alone, you will never be understood ever, you'll be isolated, you'll develop anxiety and even in some cases depression.

A lot of people asked me if I'm depressed, well I'm not, I don't think I ever was, depression is a lot worse than this, but again it's just a bunch of small things accumulated, a very dense concentration, and it's not easy to clean up. It feels like I am drowning slowly, and no matter what I cannot see the bottom of the sea, I don't have to kill myself.

I am already doing it, nothing destroys a man more than his own mind.

When in realized I was alone, I cried for almost 2 hours straight, and it felt good to get 7 months of bottled up emotions out in one go, it's way easier like that.

And I've learn to analyze people extremely well, in my 13 years of experience I've never misjudged anyone, I was always right about people, not to brag. Nevertheless, I can tell how individuals are, and I thought I was normal so I expected some specific people to be like me, but no I expected far too much from the fellas around me.

I'm not trying to forcefully give you a good image of myself, I'm not so pure, I had to go through a lot of stress and work to get such knowledge, it wasn't easy, but I was a curious child, and now I see the reality of things.

I know my ups and downs, I smart, and I think with reason, not with emotion, but again when thinking straight isn't needed, I don't use my brain at all, my closest friends will know what I'm talking about. But anyways, I tend to get angry easily, when I get insulted I take it to heart, but when complimented I take it as pity.

I'm not easily convinced, I know I'm hypersensitive, I put a lot of emotions into things I love, that also means effort which is my nemesis, also that turns me to be tired very easily, I'm different, when I say things I hate taking them back, so I tend to chose my words very carefully, sometimes...

However some people can't even be seen in the hallway, but I can, I see how pathetic they are, some are hidden, some have personalities so weak they tend to follow everyone around them, and their innocence gets evaporated. they have what I like to call a young soul, someone still learning about their environment, I'm not a young soul, I follow what I think is right, fair and honorable to everyone, but some people don't' deserve respect.

I of all people know I lack experience and composure, of course concentration is not even a subject to talk about. I realize I should judge myself like I judge others, with reason not with emotion, not because I'm feeling worthless means I am, and not because I'm feeling important necessarily means I am. I judge myself depending on how useful I am, and I can't see myself in other peoples skin because I've never encountered someone like me, someone who acts like me, someone who I can compare myself to.

So because of that I lack being wanted I want someone not just to care, someone who needs me, that's why I tend to help people and put in more effort than I usually do, I like relating to people, it's a form of indirect understanding, and comprehension.

Don't blame your problems on people or things, life is a series of choices and experiences, and those experiences depend on you choices.