Experimental Philosophical Psychology .

Unit V : Doubt .

Honestly, I'm very confused, about how good of a person I am, so not long ago, a guy I didn't know that his mother is a close friend to my dad's sister. He came here to spend 4 days with us he's seventeen I tried to act normal but once we were at the beach he asked me why I was rejecting him with arrogance. I didn't know what I did wrong, he was a little annoying but I did nothing, I tried my best to be nice and my best friend one year younger than me took his side. I was devastated, he gave proof, I was joking, is he not hurt by my friends words. My younger best friend said to him to go home, I said you should follow his orders as a joke. I don't understand it's always my fault, that's not it.

My mother, a long time ago about to one to two years ago we had some guests over, in her room, I saw money on the table and I thought of a way to make a joke to jerk off the atmosphere. I went to her desk looking on the money saying what's this? She looked at me straight through my soul, she was angry, my mom later on after the guests were gone she confronted me saying are you out of your mind, I asked her what was wrong she said are you crazy doing that in front of strangers. And said you always do this to me, I felt an excruciating pain and I felt pressure on my chest, I was just trying to make the guests laugh.

And some other day we were playing a game, truth or dare to be specific, she said truth, and I asked her which person hates you but they don't know that you know they hate you she said it's you, it's me, she said I'm trying to humiliate her in front if guest and that I do it every time. So it's safe to assume that a bad person, but when I ask people around me about what they think of me and what other people think of me it's almost never negative, they like me, crush's friends, my best friends, everyone. To be precise that one girl, we were a couple a while ago but that has nothing to do with this... But I'm so horrible I hate myself, I'm such and ungrateful brat I made my own mother think I hate her, holy shit, this is one more reason to fucking kill myself. It's always that overwhelming feeling. Moreover, a very loud and clear voice in my head that will tell you weren't good enough and will never be and even it will give me reasons to believe it, and to kill myself.