Angel (H.S AU)

Chapter Sixty

I collapse on my bed as soon as I finish Lauren's night time routine. I love her with all of my heart, but boy is it tiring having a child when your life is this much of a fucked up mess. My mind is racing. I cannot believe Harry. Even more, I can't believe that he has lied to me once again. Part of has always thought that if we couldn't completely work through the problems maybe we'd at least be friends, but I don't even think that's possible. I think Harry and I will be in love until it kills us. I already know that we'll keep on fighting, we'll swear we hate each other, and we'll kill ourselves just trying to make it work. 

My phone buzzes and I already know it's him. He's an addict to drugs, and he's an addict to me. He fucks up and he can't stay away. He causes a disaster and then frantically tries to pick up the pieces to fix things. I answer without even checking if it's him. I don't say anything, but wait to hear a voice at the other end. 

"Thank you for answering."

I still say nothing. If he's called it better be for something important. 

"I love you, you know that right?" Like clockwork, he comes around, he's sweet and he tries to butter me up so I'll forgive what he's done. 

"So you think the fact that you love me, that's supposed to change things?"

"No, I just-"

"You could've been honest with me, told me the truth, and we could've worked this out together. I came through the fire for you. And it was so hard. But I was so in love with. I still am in love with you and it fucking kills me. Anyway, I don't even know why you've called, Harry. We already came to an agreement this afternoon and I feel like it's a little early to already be calling me."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I love you." He hangs up before I can answer. I look at the time. 7 p.m. Maybe it's time to spend some time on my own. Look after me. Do something for me. I text my babysitter and pray that she's free tonight so that I can head into town and get a drink. Pathetic that I'll be doing it alone, but I feel like some alcohol might help get my mind of things. Thankfully, she texts me back within a few minutes and lets me know she's free. Amazing. I organise for her to come over shortly to care for Lauren while I head out, and then I head upstairs to get ready. 

-

I walk into a busy looking bar down town and take a seat near a bartender. She asks what I'd like and I place an order. I feel extremely uncomfortable, but hopefully I gain some liquid courage after a drink or two. I pull my phone out and scroll social media. It's full of people I once knew, who are now extremely successful and/or happy. Both of which I am not. But I guess I have only myself to blame. I look around the busy bar and see couples, and groups on friends all smiling and happy, and I wonder, would that be me right now if I never let Harry tangle himself around my heart? Could my life have been different by now? 

As if the world is mocking me, as I turn back around to face the bar I notice someone standing next to me, and I recognise the cologne. I look up and almost laugh at the audacity of the world to do this to me. It's Niall. I consider spinning back around so he won't see me, because honestly all I've done is hurt him, but at the same time, he left and I never heard from him again, so maybe I deserve at least a goodbye. He turns in my direction, and for a moment I think he sees me, but then he turns back to the bartender. After a moment, however, it's as if he registers the fact that he saw me and he turns back. "Fuck. The universe can be cruel." I smile a sympathetic smile, realising he's clearly not over the moon to see me. "You don't have to talk to me, it's fine." I say, but I somewhat hope he sits next to me and does talk to me, partly so I don't have to sit here alone and partly because I want to talk to him. No matter how things ended, when you loved someone once, a part of you will always love them. "You really hurt me, Alexa." Oof. Starting light, I see. "How's Harry?" He asks, not giving me a chance to respond to his initial statement. "He's... fine." I avoid the truth. "He just got out." Niall nods, and then looks at me confused. "Yet you're sitting here alone at a bar?" I laugh, but not a happy laugh, more of a pathetic one. "It's complicated." He takes a drink. "I'd ask, but I actually don't think I want to know. Can we head somewhere more quiet to talk?" He stands up and puts his hand out to me, then we head to a quieter corner in the bar. 

"I can't help but think you slept with Harry on purpose, and you wanted me to know. Your feelings for him were always too strong." I sigh, wishing he could just talk to me about anything but Harry, or he and I, but here we are. "Do we have to talk about this?" I ask. His demeanour begins to change and I sense him getting mad at me, as if the rage he felt when he found out I slept with Harry is resurfacing. "You hurt me." He says. "You really fucking hurt me, Alexa." Tears begin to fill my eyes. Why did I bother coming here? "I don't feel any love for you anymore, Alexa. But I don't know if you ever loved me. In fact, I'd say you definitely didn't. You made a choice that you knew would hurt me. That's not love." I nod, feeling like I'm not allowed to argue with this, because everything he's saying is true. "All I ever wanted from you was the truth." I look down at the ground, feeling shameful with my past actions, and frustrated at Harry because yet again he's at the centre of this problem. Niall places a hand under my chin and pulls my face up to look at his. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to upset you, but I needed to get that off my chest. I want you to be happy. I hope you can be happy, but I don't know if that's going to happen for you while Harry's in your life. He's toxic. I know it and I think you do too."

I give Niall a hug. "Thank you for being honest. I deserved that. Goodbye, Niall." I place a kiss on his cheek and leave the bar. I can't help but run over the words he said about Harry. It's as if I know he's right, but something continuously pulls me to Harry. Perhaps I'm just as addicted to him, as he is to the drugs.