Angel (H.S AU)

Chapter Thirty-Six

"Ready to go?" Ashton asks, holding out his hand to me. I nod, and place my hand in his as we walk to his car. I know this is probably a bad idea, but he invited me to dinner, and I'm in need of a friend right now. We get in and her asks me how I've been. I don't want to tell him the truth and let him know I've been absolutely miserable so I lie, and say, "I've been good." We talk about the band and avoid the subject matter of Harry and eventually arrive at the restaurant.

When we sit down I can tell he has something bothering him. Before I can ask, he tells me, "I'm sorry, I know you don't want to talk about this, but what actually happened with you and Harry?" I assumed that Harry told them, but I guess he didn't. "I came into his life and tried to fix things, I wanted to help but I only ended up causing more damage. In the end it was simply easier for us both if I left him alone. He didn't deserve what I was putting him through." He nods, "Harry didn't put it that way." I frown; I guess he probably said terrible things about me, which is fair enough. "What did he say?" I ask. "He said he didn't deserve you. He can't believe that he ever got to call you his. You saved his life, Alexa, and he's not afraid to admit that." I shake my head, almost laughing. "He's got it all wrong." Ashton smiles, "It doesn't matter, I shouldn't have brought him up." The rest of the night our conversation easily stays off the topic of Harry and I actually have a really good time with Ashton.

"So, you can totally say no if you want to, but I was wondering if you would want to come hang at my place?" Ashton asks, nervously. Everything inside me is screaming no, because every girl knows that a guy never wants to just "hang" but I'm in desperate need of company. Before I can stop myself I accept his invitation.

"Make yourself at home!" I smile and sit down on his couch, and he sits next to me. "Tonight has been fun. Thank you for coming out with me." Ashton says. I smile, "Thank you for the invite." We decide to put on a movie, and I start to fall asleep on his shoulder, which I know is a bad idea, but I am so desperate for company lately. I miss Harry so much. He wraps his arm around me and pulls my body closer to his. I frown, almost feeling guilty. Is this the wrong thing to do? "Hey, if you don't feel okay with this, it doesn't have to happen." I guess he could sense my uneasiness. I shake my head, "No. It's okay." I hold his hand, and intertwine my fingers with his. I can't deny that I so wish I was with Harry right now, but I also can't deny that I'm in desperate need of intimacy. I miss being loved.

Seconds later, Ashton's front door opens and foot steps quickly stomp over to us. My heart drops and I feel sick at the thought of whom I think this is. I look up at Ashton and he looks somewhat like he has just seen a ghost. I don't even have to turn around to know that Harry is standing right there. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. As much as I do love him and do want to be with him, I'm not ready to see him, especially not like this. I quickly pull my hand away from Ashton's and sit up, turning around to look at Harry.

"What the hell is this?! Are you fucking kidding me?" He asks us both. I sigh, "Harry... Don't get angry at Ashton, this was my fault." He shakes his head, "No, don't you dare stand up for him." Ashton stands up and approaches him, "Harry, can we talk about this later?" Harry looks at him in complete anger; "You know I almost didn't believe Luke when he told me you were taking her out for dinner." He points to me, "I really thought you were better than that." I wish that Harry would listen to me right now, but I know that my words no longer have an effect on him. "He was just trying to be a friend, Harry. Honestly, blame me, not him." He looks at me, "Would you shut the hell up? Do you not think you've hurt me enough the past year?" Tears instantly swell up in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Harry." He smirks, "I loved you so much, Alexa. So damn much." Loved. He loved me. But he no longer loves me and I need to accept that. "I should go." I say, "I'm sorry that happened, I shouldn't have dragged you into my mess." Ashton shakes his head, "Don't apologise. I knew what I was getting into." I force a smile, and then grab my stuff and head out. I quickly run down the stairs in an attempt to get home before I start crying public.

When I get to the street I look over to my left and see Harry standing against the wall of Ashton's apartment building, with a cigarette between his lips. He looks over at me, and the look of pain that was evident on his face a few minutes ago is now replaced by a look of pain. He stares at me, and seconds later, a tear escapes his eye and rolls down his cheek. He pulls the cigarette out of his mouth, dropping it on the ground and walks over to me and pulls me into his arms, holding me tight. "God dammit I missed you so much." I wrap my arms around him, and I finally feel at home in his arms. "I'm a mess without you." He say as He pulls away from the hug and pulls up the sleeve of his shirt, revealing an arm full of deep gashes. "Harry." He stops me, "Don't apologise." I sigh. "Please forgive me, I can't live with you hating me Harry. I don't care if you don't love me, but at least don't hate me." He frowns, and brings his hands to my cheeks, wiping away a tear that has fallen down my cheek.

"Alexa, I could never hate you. Truth is, I still love you. I love you too much and every day I hate myself for it. I hate myself for loving someone who deserves so much better. I was so angry with you for what you were doing to me but somewhere along the line I realised that you were only doing that because I put so much pressure on you to be the cure for my sadness. I shouldn't have put you through that, Alexa. All I ever wanted was for me to be yours and you to be mine, but somehow I stopped seeing beauty in the little things and everything just got so complicated. Maybe it's normal to feel this way about someone, or maybe I just failed at love and couldn't clean up the mess I made. Maybe I just fucked up and I won't admit it. Maybe I couldn't admit that I loved you because for some reason I couldn't accept that maybe you might have loved me too."

"Can we try again?"

I smile, "This time we'll get it right."