Angel (H.S AU)

Chapter Forty Five

"Leave. Me. Alone." I yell at Louis as he tries to calm me down. "Nothing you say will change anything." I tell him, as I pace up and down the foot path trying to figure out what to do. "I'm sorry, Alexa. I know that most of this is my fault, but I'll help you fix it." I shake my head, "No, you won't. You will leave me alone. You will stay out of my life. I don't ever want to see you again." I get in the next taxi I see and go back to the hotel. The whole car trip my head is spinning in confusion. I don't know if I'm angry at Harry and I don't even know how I'm supposed to make him believe me.

The long and tearful taxi ride finally comes to an end and it's followed by a long and silent elevator ride up to my room. I walk out of the elevator, and surprisingly find Harry packing his bag. I stop in my tracks before he can see me. I wasn't expecting him to be here, I honestly thought he would've come and gone in ten minutes. I put my bag down quietly, but obviously not quiet enough. Harry looks over at me, anger still present in his eyes. 

"Can we talk.. Please?" I ask. He ignores me. "I know what it looked like. And I know that I'm the reason that everything's going wrong right now, but I'm happy to take the blame, I just need to you to believe me that nothing happened with Louis and I." He sighs, "Listen to us! This is toxic! We are in a toxic relationship, Alexa! I just accused you of cheating with the person who fucking raped you and you blame yourself!"

Is he serious? Yet again, Harry's ever changing mood strikes again leaving me clueless. "You want me to blame you? Easy! Done! You screwed up, Harry. Again!" He stands up and walks over to me, "Thank you!" He yells. "You put me in a position where I have to defend you, again, where I have to bend my morals, again. Where I have to go against every single thing that I believe in, again, because I love you!" His eyes rage with frustration. "Then stop loving me!" He yells, louder. "I can't!" I scream back at him. We both stand there silently, with our heavy breathing filling the empty air.

"Well, that's the problem! We don't work!" He says.

"I know.." I answer, quietly.

"Then we agree? Maybe this just has to end." He finally says the words that make my heart drop. But someone had to say them."No." My instincts kick in. I can't be without him. I literally can't. "No. We just need to find a way for it to work." He steps closer to me and wipes away a tear that has rolled down my cheek. "What if we're never happy? What if the problems never stop? Is that what you want?" I wrap my arms around him and bury myself in his chest. I can feel him drawing away and I have no idea what I can do to make him stay. "I don't care, Harry. I love you. The pain of being without you far outweighs the pain I might experience being with you." He sighs, and I can tell he's not convinced. 

"Harry, if you're ever lucky enough to find true love, you fight for it." I look up at him, and he avoids eye contact with me.

"You still believe that? After everything you've done for love? Is it really worth it?"

"If it's someone you love enough to ruin your entire life for, it's always worth it."

Loving Harry has been the hardest thing I have ever done. In my whole life. It has been extreme highs and lows. It has been intense anger and incredible sadness. But the way that I love him is different to any other love I've ever experienced, it's a love I'm convinced can never die. I love him because he makes me glad to be alive, even in the bad times. Even when it's bad, I can still be happy to have him in my life, because even just his presence is able to make me happy somewhere deep inside. I don't understand it and I can't explain it, it's just there, this thing inside me that feels complete when he's around. I can look at his face every single day, and still smile at the way his whole expression changes when he laughs. I can still love him when he's angry, and I can love him when he's sad. I can love him when he's ignoring me, in fact it only makes me love him more. I have never met a person who frustrates me as much as he does, yet somehow that only draws me to him more. I can sit with him in silence, and feel completely content. I could honestly be happy for the rest of my life if all I did was silently sit and watch him be him. He makes me excited to be alive. I get excited over small things, as long as he's there. He makes my life better. He makes me so goddamn happy, and I don't know why. But I do know that if I was to lose him, I wouldn't be able to smile the same way. I wouldn't be able to experience the joy that I experience when I'm with him. I would miss his subtle acts of kindness. I would miss his cute attempts to flirt and all the cute things he does to be closer to me. I would miss him. Simply just him. Because I love him.

"Harry, it's worth the fight. Surely you agree." Tears fill my eyes. "Wouldn't you miss the little things? The car drives. Getting take out for dinner. Playing board games. Seeing a move together. Wouldn't you miss that?" I try to blink away the tears. "There's more to life than the little things." I hold his hand, "But the little things are the things that make us happy." I need him to stop pulling away from me, emotionally. "I know it's all so fucked up right now, but just try to focus on the good things. There has to be something inside you that's willing to fight for this." He looks me in the eyes, "What if it just keeps going wrong? What if it's one thing after the other, and we never actually enjoy our lives together?" I shrug, "I don't know, Harry. I can't predict what's going to happen, but I can tell you that I will try harder. I will be more faithful. I will be patient. I will do what I have to do for things to work."

"I just need to get some sleep." He says, placing a kiss on my cheek, before resorting to the bedroom and closing the door behind him. And here I am left without an answer. Left wondering what this relationship even is.