Angel (H.S AU)

Chapter Fifty Six

I sit waiting to enter the prison, holding Lauren close in my arms. I cannot for the life of me believe that I am here, but such is life. Part of me thinks that it just time to give up on happiness. I need to move on from trying to find someone who will help me move on from the mess Harry made of my life. Maybe Harry is all I get in this life. Maybe he's the person for me, no matter how fucked up and awful our relationship really is. 

The guard calls me through and I walk into the visitor area and see Harry sitting and waiting for us. He stands up, and I can see that he's unsure whether he wants to cry or smile. I stand near him, wanting to hug him, but also feeling absolutely lost.. how did we get here? A single tear rolls down my cheek as I look around at the rest of the prisoners smiling and enjoying their visits with loved ones. Lauren leans out to Harry, which is a shock, as she has barely spent any time with him, nor does she really even know who he is. "Can I?" He asks, motioning to Lauren, wanting to hold her in his arms. I hesitate, but end up placing her in his arms. She smiles and lifts a hand up to his cheek. It's as if she knows who he is. We sit down in silence, I don't think either of us have a clue what to say. "She's perfect." Harry says, his eyes welling up with tears. I smirk, "She is. She's the only perfect thing I've had in my life lately." He frowns, and starts to say something and then stops himself. "I know you don't want to be here. So thank you for coming, and for bringing Lauren." I nod, lost for words. I notice a couple next to us holding hands, absolutely wrapped up in each others presence. Even in our happiest days, Harry and I never had that kind of love. 

"I love her Alexa. And I love you." Harry says. I shake my head, "We're not doing this again. The other night was a mistake, Harry. I was emotional." A tear rolls down his cheek, "Come on Lexi, we all mess up relationships. We're not trying to hurt the ones we love, but somehow we always do." I laugh, as tears fill my eyes. "You did more than mess up, Harry. You hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me, and at the end of it all you left me. Once upon a time I thought you were the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But you left and I had to repair everything that you broke." I wipe the tears away and take a deep breath, "You say you love me, but look where that love has brought us." 

"I'm asking for one last chance. There has to be something in you that still loves me, Alexa. If I mess up again after this chance, I will stop trying to get you back." Why does it feel like I am reliving every conversation I have had after a fight with Harry. We do this every single time. It's exhausting. "I made myself get over you, Harry." I look away from him, not wanting to give into his sweet talk. "Face it, Alexa, you're not going to get over me. Just like I will never get over you." I know he's right, of course he is. I fell in love with him long ago, and I knew long ago that I would never be able to fully and truly move on from him. It's like he has a spell over me. And now I have a daughter who reminds me of him every single time I look at him. She has his smile, she has his eyes and she looks at me exactly how Harry used to. I look at Lauren sitting in his lap, happily playing with his hands and Harry looking at her in absolute awe. Am I the bad one if I don't try to be with him for her sake? Or am I protecting her by keeping her at a distance from his the toxic mess he always seems to make?

"Can we just get through this first?" I say, motioning around us. Taking on a relationship with Harry while he is in prison seems awfully daunting. He nods, "That's fair." I take a deep breath and try to change the subject, but it's not easy with the history that we have. Harry and I have been through so much that there is no way small talk can ever or will ever feel genuine. "I want you to come alone next time. I do want to see Lauren, but there's too much I need to say to you and I need your full attention." I frown, "How much more can you really say, Harry? How many speeches do I need to hear from you?"

"One more. Hear me out one more time." I sigh, "Okay." 

-

I walk inside after an emotionally and physically exhausting day. Visiting Harry was a weird experience. I didn't know whether I'd feel angry, sad or happy to see him. All I know is that I now feel drained.  I prepare dinner for Lauren and then get her ready for Harry. After seeing her in his arms all afternoon I cannot stop picturing him every time I look at her. I so badly wanted to have the perfect family. The day I found out I was pregnant I was honestly hopeful that Harry and I could maybe work it out. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could be a family. And clearly Harry wants that now. But is it too little too late? Why did I have to wait for him to go to prison in order for him to mature up and realise what he could have?

Does Lauren even know who he is to her? Or is he just another happy face for her to smile at? I grab my purse and pull out a photo of Harry and I that I have held onto for years now. I pick Lauren up and place her into bed, and then show her the photo. I know she's too young to understand what is going on and who Harry is, but what if he actually means what he said? What if he is willing to be better, and he could actually be real father to Lauren? She smiles and places a finger on the photo. "Daddy." I say, smiling weakly. She smiles again, and I see Harry's smile shining through hers. I want to be a family, I really do, but I just can not go through the emotional rollercoaster that Harry is again. And I don't know if I can trust him this time. That's the problem, he has made so many promises and broken them time and time again. Why is this any different?