Angel (H.S AU)

Chapter Forty Six

I have been sleeping on the couch for the past week. Pathetic, I know. But Harry won't talk to me, and it seems less painful to be sleeping alone than to be sleeping next to him and hearing nothing but his breathing. I wake up to yet another gloomy day. It's pouring rain outside and the weather somewhat matches how I'm feeling. Harry walks downstairs, and avoids eye contact with me. I don't even know what this relationship is anymore.. I don't even know if you can call it a relationship. I follow him into the kitchen, and decide that it's time to say something.

"Harry, I love you and I know somewhere deep down you do love me. We have to fix this, we need to fight for this, but I can't do it alone. And after we're done fixing our relationship, if it all falls again, you can hate me and that'll be fine, because I was a horrible girlfriend and I hurt you. And then you can walk away knowing that you were right all along."

The muscles in his back tense, and he doesn't turn to look at me. All I hear is a sigh escaping from his chest. It's as if he let a breath he didn't know he was holding. He shuts the door on the fridge, and turns to look at me, saying nothing. I try to be strong, but I can't stop the tears slowly rolling from my eyes. 

"When I walked into the apartment and saw you and him.. I just wanted everything to stop. I didn't want to think anymore. And don't get me wrong, I want to fix this..." He motions between he and I. "But you can't." I finish his sentence, mostly because I don't want to hear him say it. "I just don't know how I'm supposed to keep going when the worst thing has happened." He says, looking at the ground. "And I know it wasn't your fault. You had no control over what happened with Louis, but seeing that.. it killed me. I can't move past that, Alexa."

"I'm done." I feel my chest tighten. "I've had enough." He says. 

"The first time that I saw you.. I had never seen anything so perfect. When we younger, I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die. Then you whispered that you loved me, and I felt so peaceful and so safe, because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on nothing could ever be that bad because I had you. And then we grew up and I lost my way. We fell apart and I blamed you for my failures. So much has happened since then, Harry, and I just thought that maybe we were stronger than whatever could come our way." 

He pulls me into a hug. "Stop fighting for us, Alexa. We're never going to be happy together." I want to see things the way that he sees them, but I just can't understand how I could ever be okay without him. I sob into his chest, lost for words. I don't know if he's right, my mind is so foggy lately that I can't look at anything rationally. He runs his hands through my hair and kisses the top of my head, only making me cry more. 

"Lexi, there is only one thing left for me to tell you. It's to tell you how much you moved me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. You made my life, Alexa. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. And remember that I will always love you, but I just can't love you the way you deserve to be loved."

I shake my head, "Don't say that, Harry. That sounds like goodbye." He goes to say something, but I stop him. "I don't care if you think you can't love me the way I deserve to be loved. You are enough. I don't want anything or anyone else. I want you. I love you!" 

"Do you promise me?" He says, completely ignoring everything I just said. "Do you promise me that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes? Do you promise me that you will let yourself be happy?" 

I close my eyes and shake my head, "I can't," I take a deep breath to try and stop crying, "I can't do that. I can't promise to be happy without you." 

"You're making this harder than it needs to be, Lexi. Much harder." I look up at him and see tears in his eyes. "Don't do this to me," He says, "Please." He kisses me on the cheek. "I packed my bags, I'm moving to another apartment today. You can stay here, I'll pay until you find a job." I bite my lip to try and keep myself from sobbing. "You'll be okay." He walks upstairs and I fall down to the ground, burying myself in my knees. I don't care if he can hear me crying, what does it matter? I'll probably never see him again by the sounds of it. 

-

Shortly after, I hear Harry coming down the stairs. I pull myself off the ground and try to wipe the tears away. I want to be at least slightly presentable for the last time I get to say goodbye to him. I hold myself together with the tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, we'll end up together again, like the other times. Only this isn't like the other times. 

"Goodbye, Lexi. I love you." If he loves me, he should stay, right? 

I walk over to him, and bury myself in his chest one last time. I take in his scent, and the way that his hugs feel. I squeeze my eyes shut because I do not want to cry. I don't want his last memory of me to be a crying mess. I pull myself away. "I love you, Harry." He crashes his lips to mine, one last time, dropping his bags and bringing his hands to my waist. I can feel his body tensing up and I feel a tear fall onto my cheek. At least I know this is as hard for him as it is for me. I go back to the very first time that he whispered that he loved me, and how I thought that from that day nothing could ever be that bad because I had him. But now I'm losing him. And things are bad. Things are really fucking bad.

He pulls himself away from me, and wipes the tears from his eyes. As he looks up at me one more time, I almost think he's going to change his mind, but he grabs his bags and gives me a weak smile. "Look after yourself, love."