Angel (H.S AU)

Chapter Fifty Seven

I walk over to Harry and he pulls me into a hug. His arms are wrapped around me before I can realise what is happening and pull away. I surrender and wrap my arms around him. I still don't know if I have or will ever move on from everything he has done to me, but being in his arms feels weirdly right. I have spent years and years loving this man, only to have my heart shattered time and time again. Yet here I am in his arms, and it feels like home. Tears begin to swell in my eyes and I bury my head into his chest. "I can't do it Harry." I begin to sob, "I cannot be hurt again." He runs his hand through my hair and whispers into my head, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I know that doesn't hold much weight because I've said it that much, but I don't know what else to say. And I don't know what I can say to make you believe it." I pull away from him and he wipes away the tears. We sit down and he takes my hand in his. 

"Alexa, I know I've given you way too many of these speeches in your life, but this will be the last one. Either you take it or you don't, and if you decide that I'm beyond forgiveness I will understand. I will be there for Lauren no matter what your decision is. When I'm out of here I'm a changed man, please believe me." He wipes a tear from his cheek and I do the same. 

He takes a deep breath, and I already know he's about to make me cry. "I've been thinking while I'm in here about all the things I wanted to apologise to you for. All the pain I caused you. Everything that I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I hope you know that I'll always love you because of what we went through together. You made me who I am and there will always be a piece of you in me. No matter what you decide after this, I love you. I will always love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I was an absolute idiot for ever letting you slip away from me. You came into my life when I was hopeless, I had nothing, and I ruined what we had through a stupid bet. I believe that you are my soulmate, Alexa. You're the one person in this world who knows me better than anyone else. Somehow you walked into my life and made me want to become a better person. I know it didn't seem like I had become a better person, because a lot of the time I didn't act like I was, but deep down I knew that I could and would be better for you. Because you deserved that. What you didn't deserve was all the hurt and pain that I put you through. And I promise you that if after this you decide that you have it in you to forgive me for everything, if you're willing to put all the hurt in the past, I will make you my wife. I will do everything I can to never, ever hurt you again, and even if I do, I will do everything I possibly can to fix what I cause. You are my soulmate, I need you in my life, Alexa. I love you." 

Tears begin to fall endlessly from my eyes, so much so that I can't even speak. I fall into Harry's chest and let his shirt soak up my tears. There's usually pretty strict rules here about physical contact, but thankfully the guards are letting this one slip. Harry holds me tight and I can feel in his chest that he is also crying. Thoughts of all the horrible things Harry ever did begin to flood my thoughts, but in my heart, I also know that I won't ever find happiness anywhere but with him. Even if happiness with Harry doesn't look how happiness should. That's the thing, I may be miserable with him, but I'm going to be more miserable without him. Something pulled us to one another. I never wanted to work at that stupid clinic, but I still ended up there and I believe that Harry became my client for a reason. I don't have answers for why we went through all the shit we did. I don't have answers for why he participated in that bet. I don't have answers for why we could never make it work. But somehow, even looking back on all of that, I still love him. I am in pain every day without him, and I just need that pain to be gone. The pain of being with him, when he fucks up and makes a mess of things, is somehow less than the pain of being without him. I realise that now. Things may not always work out when I am with him, but absolutely nothing works out when I am without him. I am so scared to do this again, but everything within me is telling me that I need to give him once last chance. I hope and pray that Harry is a changed man, I really do. 

I pull away from Harry's chest and look into his eyes, which are completely red from crying. "The past is in the past, I love you, Harry." His eyes fill with tears and he grips my hands tighter than he ever has before. "I love you so much, Alexa. I am going to keep my word, I promise you."

The end of the visit comes before we know it, and Harry pulls me into his chest, holding me tightly. I don't want to let go. I want to stay here in his arms because for the first time in forever it feels like a weight has lifted. It feels like the shit of the past has washed away and we are finally going to be in a good place. I begin to cry again, actually not wanting to leave him here. He pulls away and brings his lips to mine. Kissing Harry feels surreal, yet so right. It's almost as if I have forgotten about the years and years of hurt we went through and I can only see our future. 

"I'm not that man anymore, Lexi. I'm going to prove it to you." I nod, wiping the tears from my face. "I love you, Harry. Goodbye." I walk out of the visiting room, not wanting to look back at him because I know that if I do, leaving will be one hundred times harder. I hear him tell me he loves me as I walk away. I don't understand why we had to go through everything that we went through in order to get to this place, but clearly we did. I can only hope and pray that this time will be different. It has to be different, because I cannot be hurt by him again. I don't think I will physically get through being hurt by him again.