FORMULA LOVE

I can breathe

I've always hated the quietness, I always had to feel the void somehow. No matter if I had to chat some random shit about what happened to me when I was younger that has completely no purpose to it. But it comforted me.

And now sitting in a dull room with silence filling it and a woman sitting across from me holding a notebook waiting for me to talk ... this did not comfort me in the slightest.

Every so often she clears her voice a few times and adjusts herself in her chair. Waiting for me to start the conversation. She was rather old, maybe early 60s. Dark grey hair and blue eyes. Her name was Anna.

Now this awkwardness was all thanks to my Saint of a mother. She urged me to start going to counselling sessions once every week. This is my third time.

I thought it'd get easier, she'd ask me loads of questions and I'd reply with one word answers. Which she had done the last two sessions and now I'm getting nothing from her. I suppose I could waffle on about nothing to her like I usually would but knowing I'm here for a serious matter makes me think I need to be practical and a bit more mature.

Relief washes over me as she's suddenly the first to break. The first time in 15 minutes!

"Sadie what was your life like before meeting Mr Dugray?" Anna said gently, like I was some object that was going to explode any second from now.

My eyes went wide with her question. It was more personal than any other question she'd ever asked me, plus I can't answer with a "yes" or "no" this time.

"I guess you could say I was enjoying life. Minus my brother part." I joked, trying to keep it short but sweet.

But she continues, "And when you was in the relationship, what was your life like?"

"Not the best."

"Why Sadie? What did he do to you?" She asked. Making me think of almost everything he'd ever done to me.

My words just seemed to spill out. I went from calm to anxious all in the space of 10 seconds. Her words managed to get a hold on me. One in which I couldn't get out of, "Owen used to hit me in the face, in the ribs, in the stomach, in the back."

She starts to try to cut in when I jump to it first, "You know I eve remember when he hit my face so hard that he knocked me out. FOR THREE HOURS. HOW MUCH OF A PUSSY WAS I ?!" I finish my speech laughing.

Why am I laughing?

I didn't know in that moment of time. The wave of laughter soon left and tears started to prick in my eyes. And before I knew it my head was in my lap and I was wailing in front of her.

It only just seemed to hit my now. The amount of pain I endured for 3/4 months of my life. And I put up with it? Why?

"Why didn't I just leave him? Why did I stay? I caused my family so much pain! It's all my fault!" I whisper-shout, tears coating my face. By now Anna had moved to sit by my side - letting me bury my head in her neck.

"It was never your fault darling. Never ever. Mr Dugray turned you into his puppet. He controlled you for months on end. You grew a bond to him, he made you think that no one else could love you. So you stayed. This is the result of his grotesque intentions. Not your own."

I think we stayed in this position for well over an hour. The barrier that I created when I realised I had Mattie to think about and everything else happening that I thought was more important, was now destroyed into smithereens by Anna. The wall I had tried so long to keep up all fell down before my eyes.

I wanted to move on with my life not looking back at that part ever. But I realise now that was wrong of me. I needed to fully heal and not patch the majority of places up, today was the day where the small gaps seemed to have caused an avalanche. I was nowhere near healed. I had just started.

"I know you've taken all this time off of driving but I really think you ought to start again. For your self- esteem more than anyone else's. What do you think?" She soon suggests.

Any mention of driving makes my face light up like a child on Christmas Day. I nod at her, "I think your right. I need to give it another shot!"

She smiles at my answer, giving me a small side hug. Before handing me a piece of paper, "Here is my number Sadie. If you ever need me I'll always be just a phone call away. And I'd like to start seeing you twice a week instead, If that's okay?"

"You got it Anna! I'd love to spend 4 hours with you a week." I joke with her, earning a laugh. I take the number from her and soon I'm outside in the streets of London.

Suddenly I don't care who sees my puffy eyes. Or tear stained cheeks. Or even that I'm a formula 1 driver. I really don't care.

I start to walk down the central London streets, admiring all the fancy restaurants and shops I walk past. The air isn't as suffocating as it usually is, it's quiet the opposite actually. I could finally breath, normally.

Anna making me realise my worth and the wound that was in my heart that I need to heal in the right way this time. I needed to start being myself and not this mask that I hide behind all day - everyday.

Finally I can breathe.

Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter. I really wanted to focus on Sadie really.

She'd just come out of an abusive relationship and jumped right into one with Leclerc. Aswell as the fact her feelings have been brushed aside due to her brother's illness.

I'm not saying you can't be in a relationship straight after, all I'm saying is that it won't fix the wound that has opened or make you forget about everything that has happened in your past relationship.

Many factors all partake in helping you heal from past traumas.

Sadie is at a turning point now where her mask is coming off and we see her finally start to become herself, she's starting to heal.

Of course there is still going to be bumps happening on the way or it wouldn't be a story. But you will be seeing her get better slowly but surely.

And to anyone that is enduring an abusive relationship or was in one, I promise you that you're not alone <3