Forever and ever 2. The adventure starts now.

Part 16.

Tom's pov~

If you were to give me a room all to myself right now, it wouldn't take me more than 10 seconds to have everything destroyed. In the first few seconds I'd probably start crying which would pretty quickly turn into some painful screams and then, to top it off, I would break every piece of furniture around me. A rage room was what I needed!
Pathetic I know, but I couldn't take it any more. Screaming was all I wanted as I sat in the passenger seat and played with the wedding ring on my finger.

I also knew that by the end of the night I would have to apologise to Y/N and pray that she would forgive me, and I knew that I would have to talk to her and explain what was going on with me but I had no clue. I didn't have a fucking clue and for the past month I didn't go to therapy because I was either away or had no motivation. I was acting like the biggest jerk towards Y/N because I wanted her to know how I felt. I wanted her to know how the pain felt that I carried with me every day but I had no idea why. I thought maybe if she understood how I felt, she would know how to help.
"I'll just put Parker to bed real quick, you go ahead and lie down." I nodded, even though I knew what she was doing. She didn't want me to put Parker to bed because she thought rest was what I needed, when all I really needed was- warmth. Yeah, I felt like my heart was cold, or at least my skin was.
So I went up to the bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, fisted the sheets ever so thightly and started looking around the room. Managed to lose track of time as I got lost in the stain on the carpet. Where did that red wine stain come from again? I asked myself as Y/N came into the room, but I kept my eyes on the stain. How did it happen? It was on the tip of my tongue. And then my eyes widened when I remembered. It wasn't a red wine stain but a blood stain from the time I had scratched my hand with the broken frame glass. It washed over me like a flashback, made me go pale when suddenly Y/N appeared in front of me, placing her hands on my knees as she knelt down to look me in the eyes.
"Tommy! Hey!" She whispered, panic lacing in her voice, before she placed her hands on my cheeks. "Are you okay?" I nodded, but- my hands, they were shaking. It was quite strange, and I also felt goose bumps rising on my chest but not from the cold but rather a quick shiver down my whole body. "Keep breathing, yeah? Can you do that for me?" She whispered, keeping her eyes on mine for another moment before they began to travel down, meeting my collar. Her hands fiddled a while but eventually managed to open my top button. Then, slowly, they moved down until the last button was undone and she brushed the shirt off my shoulders, leaving my upper body bare. The goose bumps on my chest being hard to miss now.
"Are you cold?" She asked, I shook my head.
"Shall I get you a T-shirt?" I shook my head.
"Do you want a cup of tea?" I shook my head.
And then she sighed, knowing that I would just shake my head at everything, because I didn't dare speak up any more. I wasn't in the right place to speak up right now, I would either collapse or scream. So I chose the silence from my lips and concentrated on watching Y/N undo the fly of my trousers while I supported myself on my hands behind my back.

When it was quiet for another five seconds she looked back up from my lap to see if I minded if she took my pants off now, and then I nodded for the first time so she knew she could do it, I didn't mind.
She pulled my trousers down to my ankles, the mirror standing in the corner of the room reflecting me in just my pants and socks as she put my clothes aside.
I looked so pale, and sick. If Y/N noticed? Noticed how I have changed? Did she notice how my ribs were showing and my cheekbones were all sharp? Did she see a different Tom than 3 years ago when she looked in that mirror, or did she still see the same Tom? Because to be honest, I didn't see any Tom any more.
"Tommy." She snapped her finger in front of my face, I had spaced out again. "You're not okay..." I knew that myself. She stood in front of me brooding, thinking about what to do with me, and then she sat down on my lap with both her knees on either side of my hips.
Her hands pushing me back until I was lying with my back on the bedspread, the soft cover absorbing me like a warm embrace.

It felt like minutes that I was staring at the ceiling, but it was only a few seconds before Y/N started running her fingers down my ribs, taking them in like I was doing in the mirror. I think she knew...
"I will change."  I whispered just above a crack, hoping the fear in my voice wouldn't be audible.
"I know." She answered. At least she believed in me. Then she leaned down and started kissing every inch of my upped body. Gently but briefly, lips leaving warm butterflies, made me feel the warmth I craved.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked after the last kiss, feeling a tear run down my cheek.
I think my voice was back but I showed weakness which I oh so much tried to hide. "Why are you being so nice to me? Why don't you go away? Leave me alone and sleep with Hero or-or Jacob? He's so much better than me!" Everything was burning, my heart, my stomach, my throat... I didn't want any more. I just couldn't do it any more.
I wanted her to shout at me, why didn't she shout at me?! She stared, for a few seconds at first, but I began to think she was watching me, trying to penetrate my thoughts. Just leave me! I wanted to scream, hoping that she would be better off. My breath began to quicken and she was still sitting on my hip, surely noticing how my chest rose and fell again. Tears streaming down my cheeks but not being able to move because she was sitting on me and for the first time I was not strong enough to resist, to move and lift her off me.
"Leave!" I cried. "FUCKING LEAVE!" I screamed and continued to cry, hiding my face under my palms until I managed to grab a pillow into which I sobbed and let out painful screams. At one point I started banging my head against the mattress while the veins in my neck were about to burst.
"LEAVE!" I continued screaming, hitting the mattress with my fists like I was about to suffocate. I tried for a good 5 minutes, trying to get rid of her and get her off me but eventually gave up. I couldn't get rid of her. And I should thank God for that because without her I would be nothing.
I threw the pillow aside when I had calmed down and looked up into her eyes. Full of sorrow, pity and pain. My lips still trembling.
"I love you.." she said but I knew a 'but' would follow. "But l can't stand seeing you like this anymore." And she was right. Hell I couldn't even stand seeing myself in the mirror.
"What do you mean?" It wasn't hard to hear that I was afraid she would leave me, even if it was what I wanted a few minutes ago.
"I will look for anti-depressants tomorrow which are in liquid form and not pills, but you will have to swallow them or I will take you to a hospital." Tomorrow I would fly to Paarl anyway, suitcase already packed at the door. So I had at least a few more days to prepare and nodded therefore.
"Also, you are unbalanced and I want us to sit down together for every meal from now on." Tomorrow I would fly to Paarl anyway, Y/N could not check me there. So I had at least a few more days to prepare and nodded therefore.
"I know it's hard for you Tom, but we'll get through it, all right?" Tomorrow- no. I just nodded. I'm sure Y/N had either forgotten I was leaving tomorrow or assumed I wouldn't be flying, but I didn't want to ask because this role was very important to me. I'd fly no matter what.
After I had nodded three times and agreed to what she had to say, she bent down and gave me a kiss on the corner of my mouth.
"I love you.." she whispered, giving me a soft smile.
I, however, remained silent, watching her get up from my lap and walk to the wardrobe. I was still shaking uncontrollably, both from anger and pain. Barely got up when I tried to lie down under the covers.
"I'm going to get a glass of water from the kitchen, would you like one too?" She asked as she stood by the doorframe. Changed in some pyjamas.
To be honest, I would have preferred some strong alcohol right now, knowing how it drowned my pain back then, but right now, I could only nod. It wasn't the solution to any of my problems. If anything, it would only make things worse. I already had kind of a headache anyway after having banged the back of my head on the bedsheets earlier. Didn't need any hangover headache tomorrow as well.

~I. Am. The. Drama. Queen.
Period.~