Twisted thoughts

Ang sensitive mo naman!

"Ang sensitive mo naman!" nalabel ka na ba minsan ng ganyan? 

It was as if, being sensitive is a bad trait. Balat sibuyas, iyakin, etc. Daming tuya. 

Sensitivity versus insensitivity. If papipiliin ako sa dalawang iyan, mas gusto kong maging insensitive. Bakit? Kasi manhid at walang pake sa mundo at nararamdaman ng iba. Nasasaktan si Jessa? So, what. Galit na galit si bossing? Bahala siya diyan.  Wala namang nagawa yang galit niya.

Nasasaktan ako? Wala 'to.  Aral ka ng aral diyan at mas galingan mo pa. Lamangan mo silang lahat. Focus ka sa goals. Focus ka sa isasakatuparan ng mga plano mo hindi yung iiyak ka diyan eh ano bang nagawa ng pag-iyak? Naerase ba mga problema mo? 

Iyan ang isasagot ko. Dati. 

Pero ngayon, I even question myself and I cannot believe that I used to belong  sa less than 1% na population ng mga taong may ENTJ na personality- the rarest MBTI type sa mga babae. 

Karamihan sa mga ENTJ's ay insensitive raw at masyadong goal oriented. Walang pake sa nararamdaman ng mga kasama dahil masyadong passionate. They push themselves to the limit. Workaholics ang mga iyan at walang makakapigil dahil it's their way or highway. Kung walang daan, ay gagawa sila ng daanan. They will dig a hole from a completely untouched land.

They will say what they think about you even if it hurts. May meme pa nga yung sikat na chef sa america. ENTJ kasi yun. 

"you fucking donkey" sabi niya. 

Sasabihin niya ang gustong sabihin (honest to goodness reviews and opinions) irregardless if you like it or not. Umiyak ka man, they're not sorry for it. Because it's their truth. No sugarcoating.

Ako naman 'tong si proud. Edi wow. Fuck what other people think. Fuck what they feel. Eh ano naman kung na-offend sila eh sa totoo naman?

Pero alam niyo, time and experiences really change our personality. Personality is dynamic. Nagbabago tayong lahat. Kaya pusta ko pa kahit mga one million, kahit magretake pa akong MBTI ngayon, hindi na ENTJ ang personality ko.  

After akong masigawan at pagdabugan ng boss ko for trivial matters and without listening to our struggles and sa mga hindi makatarungang demands at kaganapan, and after denying my feelings for 3 years, the biggest final blow unto my patience that time was when I felt that I was irreplaceable. Na gamit ako sa paningin nila na trabaho lang ng trabaho. It was as if, I am not a human. Hindi napapagod. Hindi humihinto. Mabilis parang machine na automatic. It was really exhausting. At tandaan, tao lang tayo, hindi octopus. We have our limits. Yun ang totoo. Tapos wala man lang compensation and appreciation. 

Working hard without getting paid extra. Working as fast as you can but work continues to multiply tapos lahat urgent. haha. Dang. Nasaan ang empathic leadership at ang katarungan?

Pinilit ko magfocus sa work kahit na mabigat sa pakiramdam, ignoring what I heard, what I felt, what happened. Pero biglang tumulo ang luha ko for I don;t know reason that time and they were unstoppable. 

It's not like I can pluck out my eyes. I hated that I was crying. Crying is a sign of weakness for me. When other people cry, it's okay. But me, crying? I cannot allow myself to do so. Parang binigyan ko na rin ng victory ang mga kaaway ko. Para yun lang, iniyakan ko? Anong klase. weak. ang sensitive mo naman, self. 

No amount of logic and pep talk and self-push can make it stop. 

So, I stepped outside and let it all out. Ganon talaga. Inipon sila at puno na ang bote kaya kailangan nang ibuhos. Rule of nature. What goes around comes around. Kaya nga umuulan, eh. 

Itulak ko man sarili ko, pero hindi na kaya ng sistema. 

I later on realized that what I have felt was valid. It was natural for me to get hurt. Because of the treatment that I know I don't deserve. Because it is unfair. Because I feel like I am not being respected as a person. 

I don't have to feel guilty because I cried. Pinaiyak nila ako. Ako yung biktima. Sila ang dapat mahiya.

Crying doesn't solve your problems. Pero it will make you feel better. if you feel better, you'll function better. Mga machines and computers nga, eh need maintenance para tumagal at maganda ang quality ng service nila, how much more pa ang tao na as we age, humihina ang organs and system and nangungulubot balat. 

All along, crying is not a sign of weakness. It is the  act of pouring all the negative emotions away.Draining your system to cleanse it and make your mentality fresh and renewed para maging klaro ang pag-iisip at hindi distracted sa laban. 

Hindi na mabigat sa pakiramdam. Magaan nang susulong sa digmaan ng buhay. Kasi the more kang nagkikimkim, the more you are vulnerable sa pagsabog at the wrong place, at the wrong time, for shallow reasons. Maaari kang matrigger sa kaunting mga bagay. 

After kong umiyak, nalinawan ako ng isip. Na kailangan ko pala ng pahinga. Na kailangan ko ng pagbabago because I deserve mo. I found my power because the water of negativity has been drained in me. 

Being sensitive is also not limited to mga iyakin. We can sense other people's emotions can empathize with them easily. Kaya if nalabel ka as a sensitive, huwag mong ikasama ito. Being sensitive is paying attention and being aware sa well-being ng sarili mo. And also caring for other people. 

Basta, tandaan mo lang na babangon ka rin after mong ma-apektuhan, ha? And also put boundaries para hindi madrain emotionally.