Problem Kid

Chapter 77

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Not long after the morphine drip begins, I manage to find some relief from the pain and relax once again. I lay there with my eyes closed thinking things over. I begin imagining what I want my life to be.

I want to get better, I have so much I want to do. I want to get an apartment with Jimmy so we can finally have our own home, I want to be able to work even somewhere where I only do one hour a week or something just to get me out and meeting new people. I want to travel, I want to be able to visit amazing new countries with Jimmy and maybe even the boys and Maya too. I want to see the clear Australian ocean again and swim in it, I even miss the sound of the life guards calling everyone out of the sea because they've seen a shark. I miss it all so much. I want to go to concerts and I want to go to pride parades. I want to dance at raves until I'm literally about to pass out. I want to do animal care courses online so I can work with unique animals. I want to get all of my dream pets so me and Jimmy can care for and love them all. I want a normal life that isn't consumed and ruined by my mental health and I want to forget about all of this crap and leave it in the past. I want to be normal.

I feel a tear run down my cheek.

It'll be hard to get to that point where life seems worth living again and I know it's going to take forever. I'm just scared that I can't do it. What if I keep messing up and I'm like this forever? What if I end up being in my 80s and I'm still a wreck consumed by calories and cutting and suicide attempts? What if I don't even make it that far and I end up killing myself one day? I don't want that, I don't want any of this. If I could go back and start again, I'd have never made that first cut or refused that first meal. I wish I hadn't. I wish I knew then what I know now, that this isn't living, this is suffering and this is torture. I'm not happy, I'm not proud of the body I'm in, I'm not beautiful and skinny and in control. I'm sick and broken and have less control than ever. Sure, I'm thin but I am so tired and so lethargic and so cold and hungry all the time. My body feels weak and broken, my health is abysmal and no one can look at me properly. I'm sick, I'm broken and I'm not okay. I want to be okay.

"Ev, what's wrong?" Sam says, leaning in and resting a hand on the bed next to me.

"I want to get better." I murmur quietly as the tears spill down my cheeks.

"I know. I know you do."

"I don't want to be like this any more. I'm not happy, I'm not okay and I don't want this. I don't. I keep thinking about what I want in life and none of it involves this. I want my own place with Jimmy, I want all of our dream pets, I want to be safe and healthy, I want to travel and to go to concerts and just do everything normal people can do. I just want to live. I just want to LIVE Sam. Why am I like this?" I'm sobbing now and Summer is right beside me, licking my hand and pawing my stomach gently.

"You'll get there, Ev. You will. We just need to get you safe first and you will get there. We're not giving up on you, I promise you that," Sam opens his arms up offering a hug and I accept the offer, sobbing into his t-shirt.

"I can't keep doing this, I can't keep ruining everything all over again," I whimper.

"You're not ruining anything, you're on a journey. There's ups and downs but every up and down you push through, you're making it closer and closer to your destination. The journey isn't smooth, nor is it simple, but it's a journey. You will make it to the end, you've come way too far to give up now," I hope that he's right.

"Everleigh?" I wipe my face with my t-shirt and look up to see a few nurses stood in the doorway.

"Here, we have a fresh gown for you to change into ready for surgery. We'll give you a minute and then come back, okay?" I nod, taking the gown from one of the nurses. Sam heads outside of the room and I begin to change. It only takes me a minute before I call out and everyone comes back in.