Problem Kid

Chapter 87

"Wake up, Ev!" Jimmy gently shakes me and I groan, reluctantly opening my eyes.

"Why..." I whine.

"We've got to go pick up some bits for the new house, come on. Up you get," Jimmy nudges me again. I sigh, rolling over to face him. It's been two weeks since I told him about the pregnancy and things have been busy. We still haven't made a decision yet, if I'm honest I think we've both pushed everything down. After speaking to my therapist, I was still nowhere closer to a decision. She warned me of the risks of continuing a pregnancy, saying I still need to restore more weight and I'd have to eat a lot more whilst pregnant. She explained how the weight gain can be a huge trigger and how I'm at a higher risk of post partum depression, psychosis and more. She explained how the mental health team would still work with midwives and myself to support us through the pregnancy but to think of the risks. She didn't exactly tell me I had to terminate it but she did make it clear how it could be if I didn't. And also how it could be if I did, the guilt that some people feel and how rough it can be on the body. She firmly reminded me that if I did keep the baby, a lot of things would need to change. I'd have to stay clean from self harm and alcohol throughout the whole pregnancy and try my hardest to beyond if I did keep the baby, how social services would be kept in the loop too to ensure that we're all managing okay. Surprisingly, I haven't even had any urges since finding out. I've managed to continue eating well, three solid meals a day and some snacks as and when I can manage them. I've not wanted to drink or hurt myself, I guess being aware of what's inside of me has stopped that. In some ways, I feel like I want to keep the baby but in others I'm terrified and don't know if I really do want to. I don't know if I can. Jimmy has been so patient with everything, supporting me through it all and not pushing me into making a decision. He doesn't share what he wants much, instead just telling me that he wants me to decide what is best for myself since I'm the one carrying it. Both Sam and Jack know now though Maya still doesn't. We're not telling her unless we decide to keep it. She's only a young teen and it's a lot to inform her of, especially if we decide not to keep it too. Both Sam and Jack are quietly supporting both me and Jimmy.

We've even signed all of the necessary forms for our new house and passed the background checks now too. We get the keys this afternoon and our room and the shed here are stuffed with things for the new house. A fridge freezer, a washing machine and boxes of pots and pans and other cutlery and utensils all in our bedroom. We can barely fit through the gaps to squeeze in and out of the place. The shed is also almost full, containing a tumble dryer and dishwasher. We managed to get most of the machines second hand on marketplace quite cheap and the pots, pans, dishes and everything like that on a payment plan app. Today were meant to be collecting a bedframe that someone was giving away free second hand and later we're going mattress shopping. This afternoon we'll begin moving everything in once we have the keys which we'll get after lunch and then we can spend our first night there, alone, in our new house. I'm excited but nervous, it's all so much change and my BPD doesn't handle that well. Everything is moving so fast and it's all so different now I know I'm pregnant too.

"I'm up, I'm up," I grumble as Jimmy jumps up and begins getting dressed. I begrudgingly begin to do the same however no sooner than I've thrown on a t-shirt and shorts, I run to the bathroom and throw up. Stupid morning sickness...

Finally, I'm able to get up and wash my face. I flush the toilet and wash my hands too, turning to look in the mirror. I lift my t-shirt up and stare down at my stomach, turning sideways to get a clearer view. I'm just over four weeks pregnant now and though there's no bump visible aside from some bloating, something feels different in there. I sigh, dropping my t-shirt down and heading out into the kitchen where Jimmy is making himself a bowl of cereal. I join him and do the same, pouring myself some apple juice with it and sitting down at the table to eat.