Problem Kid

Chapter 66

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I rush inside, still gently cradling the feather in my hand. I walk through the kitchen door and I just stand there for a second, staring at the fruit bowl.

I'm hungry. And normally I'd think 'oh well, I'll stay hungry', but now I think 'that apple looks really nice'. It's a granny smith apple and the skin is a smooth shiny green. I can tell it's pretty damn ripe and I want it. I don't care about Sam walking into the kitchen to check on me. I walk to the table and pick up the apple, taking it over to the chopping board. I can feel Sam watching but he says nothing. I place the feather down on the kitchen side and go into the draw, pulling out a knife. I expect Sam to rush over and take it off of me but as I hold it in my hand for a moment I realise that nobody is stopping me. No one is going to stop me. I begin to cut the apple, slicing it into segments and chopping out the seeds and core. I don't even bother to put it on a plate, I just pick up one slice and I bite it. It's so juicy and the taste is amazing, it's like a sweet and sour taste but it's delicious and I chew and swallow. Then I take another bite. Chew, swallow. Another, another, another and another over and over until it's all gone. When it's gone I look down at the feather which feels like it's almost looking back at me and I take it in my hand. I'm too scared to look back at Sam. I don't know if he'll have a shocked expression or what but I don't want to know. I hold my feather instead and stare at it. I'm not guilty, I don't want to purge and I don't even regret it. I feel satisfied. I feel happy. I feel proud? Another tear rolls down my face and another and another as I slide down to the floor, cradling my feather as I cry. I hear someone else slide down beside me and a hand rests on my arm.

"Hey," it's Sam and he is looking over at me but he doesn't seem worried or shocked or anything. He just looks at me with a gentle smile.

"I'm proud of you, Ev. I don't know why you just ate that Apple or why you're crying but I'm proud," his words comfort me and I smile through my tears.

"Mum was here. Not here but... Here. I was looking at the sky and thinking of her and she sent this feather. It landed on my chest and I just knew she was watching me. I don't know if I believe in heaven or what but I know it was her. And I felt okay, I really felt ok. I felt hungry and I knew it was ok to eat and the apple just looked so good and... And I'm not guilty, Sam! I don't want to purge and I don't want to die and I just feel... Okay I guess?" I'm still crying but I'm also smiling over at Sam as he smiles at me. He doesn't say anything for a moment but he gives me a warm hug.

"I believe you. And I know she's so proud right now, Ev. She's supporting you through this and she is so damn proud," I melt into his hug for a while until the tears finally stop. I pull away and stare at the wall for a moment before speaking again.

"I need to start eating again, properly. I know it's not gonna be the easiest but I need to. I need to get better. I don't care how long it takes or how many tries but I am going to get better. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to cut or suffer like this anymore I just want to heal. And I don't care if I change my mind, I'm not letting that stop me. You have to keep me going, please remind me to keep going. Please?" I don't know what I'm saying but the words are pouring out and I believe them. I have to get better. I have to do this and I know I do.

"Okay. We can do that, alright? Whether you want to start slow or just leap in we will figure out a plan. How does that sound?" He asks me. I nod.

"Perfect," I say. "I'm going to go write some stuff in my room. Can we do the 5 minute checks, please? I need some time alone," Sam nods.

"Okay. Do you want me to let the others know?" He asks. I agree. As he walks off into the front room I head back into my bedroom. Summer follows along once she sees me walk past the front room. Once I'm in my room I sit in bed, leaving my door open. I place my feather on the bedside table before picking up my note book. I begin to write.