Problem Kid

Chapter 26

"Thank you so much!" I say before leaving the last store of the day and following Sam back to the car. I'm tired and achy and ready to go to sleep after a long day, even though it's only six in the afternoon. As we sit in the car silently and drive back, I think about my day.
After my tattoos I had gotten my hair cut back to its old layered 'emo' style with the black hair dye, of course. I then bought some new black eyeliner and shadow along with a blood red and a mysterious black lipstick. I also bought some new clothes from Hot Topic. Three new styles of black ripped jeans, a new haul of twenty one pilots, panic at the disco, my chemical romance, green day and black veil brides band t-shirts plus a load of wristbands and a choker. I also got three new long sleeves for under these. I bought two new pairs of shoes in addition to this. One, a pair of batman vans which had the bat logo covering it multiple times. The other pair of shoes were some pride Doc Martens which were black with LGBT+ graffiti style writing all over them. I then bought a new set of bowls and some more food for Summer along with a few more toys and treats for training. I pass her one now as we rumble along the streets of our neighbourhood.
I had spent well over £300 today but it had been worth it and had made me a bit happier overall. I smile as we pull up outside the house, standing up quickly and scooping up three of my bags along with Summer's canvas bag. Sam has already taken the other four to assist me as I take out my chair and drag it inside with me. Summer follows us calmly through the door where I rush into my room and dump my bags.
"Everleigh!" I hear Maya exclaim and as I turn into the hallway, she crashes into me. I wince as she hurts my tattoo and she notices, worried.
"Do you have some..." I shake my head.
"It's not that. I got some new tattoos!" I smile and she begs me to show her them.
"New tattoos?" Jimmy is smiling in the doorway and I nod.
"And a new look! I like it," he smiles.
"Thanks, Jim," I smile and Jack comes in too, gasping and complimenting my re-style.
"Thanks guys! Yeah, I got my tongue, snakebites and septum pierced and three tattoos!" I say as we walk to the living room. I lay back on the sofa, showing the boys and Maya my semi colon which makes them smile. I then roll up my sleeve a tiny bit and, hiding my cuts, show my heart rate. They all like it. I then roll my other sleeve up to my elbow and show Mum's tattoo there, careful not to hurt my closing wounds.
"I love them all, Ev. Beautiful," Jimmy says before gently kissing me, careful of my snakebites.
"Ok! Listen up y'all! I'm cooking now so we have dinner in 10! Buttered parsley baby potatoes from Sainsbury's which are in the microwave, a vegetable mix and steak!" I smile weakly, sighing before heading to my room.
"I'm just getting changed!" I call out to the others, lying. Instead I throw myself onto the bed and cry for a few minutes before grabbing random pyjamas, taking my tattoo and piercing cleaning stuff and heading to the toilet with my razor blade to get ready.
First, I clean my new body mods before changing into a plain white long sleeve and my grey Abercrombie joggers. I roll up my sleeve. Today has went well. Too well. I've coped. I've been ok for a while and that's the worst thing I could do. One. I made some changes to myself and feel slightly pretty and like my reflection a bit now. Two. I ate something earlier and drank high calorie drinks without burning it off at all. Three. I sob. I give up. I slash my arms violently before sitting, my dripping arms hanging over the sink, red liquid falling from them rhythmically. I ignore it for a minute before I begin feeling dizzy and attempt to make a cut as deep as I could... I want to be with her... It works well my vision begins quickly fading. My eyes roll as I claw at the wounds and ignore the mess around me  until finally, I pass out.
When I wake up, I take some water in a cup and sip slowly. I begin to recover, my vision returning and my pale face feeling less numb. After cleaning and bandaging, I finally stand, leaving the room with my items back in the bag. I place them in my room, under the stuff in my suitcase again and then head into the kitchen where everyone is setting the table. I help, taking the cutlery and lining it out as Sam serves multiple places of food. I walk back into my bedroom and take my dressing gown to the table where a secret plastic bag lies in my pocket. As normal, I take the seat with the least chance of anyone being able to see my secretive act and once food is served, I begin to cut it. Small bits of potato are mushed up so they can go unnoticed in corners. Big pieces get slipped into the bag along with the vegetables and eventually, half of the steak. Not one piece of food enters my mouth in that meal and I intend to keep it that way. At the end, i excuse myself, placing my almost clear plate on the kitchen side beside Maya and Jack's. I then take the knife and fork, scraping the leftovers into the bin before I slip off to my room once more. I open my hot topic bag, taking out my secret box of cigarettes and vodka. I place them in my other pocket before calling Summer to my side and telling everyone I was going into the garden for a bit to think. They 'understand' and let me go. I smirk. Once outside, the food bag goes into the bin with multiple others from before. I then climb onto the wall at the back of the garden and place my vodka bottle beside me, opening the box of cigarettes and placing one in between my teeth. I take the purple lighter I have inside there too and use it to light the stick before hiding it back in my pocket as Summer pads around the garden. I have about three quarters of the vodka left in the bottle which I take a swig out of after inhaling and puffing out a drag on my smoke. I relax, my tense body calming as the nicotine and alcohol both hit my bloodstream. Another drink and another smoke. That's how it goes until my smoke is done and I've had enough drink to make me feel relaxed but not badly drunk. Reluctantly, I clamber down from the wall, placing the bottle in my pocket and taking deodorant out of the other to spray the smell away with. One more stretch and I'm ready to head back inside, Summer beside me.
Everyone is sat together watching Hollyoaks and I join for a while however I can't concentrate on the storyline of Nico, the killer teenager. I'm too busy fighting the negative thoughts which attack me badly even though I had taken my normal relief attempts. With a sigh, i excuse myself from the room and rush up to the bathroom with my toiletries bag and a towel. I lock Summer out of the bathroom, running the tap water and staring down into it. I wash my hands clean of nothing before sighing gently and walking back down.
"I don't feel like a bath," I say before heading to my room where I crawl into bed, my puppy beside me. I sit for a few minutes, opening my sketch pad and considering making something however I'm interrupted pretty quickly.
"Hey, Ev? We're going to drop Maya at her friend's for a sleepover and then head down to the bar for a couple drinks. You ready?" I shake my head.
"I'm too tired. It's ok, you guys still go! I'll chill here. I have some stuff to do anyway so I'm all good," I stand up, smiling as convincingly as I can and hugging him tightly, stretching up slightly to kiss him gently.
"You sure?" I nod.
"Yeah, have fun babe! I love you," I whisper into his ear as he and the others go to prepare.
I sit back in bed, opening my sketch pad and drawing a picture of a girl lying in the dark. Her body was damaged as though she had been attacked, her hands holding her head, legs curled up. She is against a tree, amongst many others surrounding the clearing in the forest where dead leaves and broken logs litter the floor. The full moon bears down its reflected light onto the girl who is crying into her knees. I add a pack of wolves attempting to approach her, the one closest to her about to place its muzzle on her cheek. It's ears are forward and eyes sad for the girl. The other six wolves behind are a mixture of fear, concern and confusion. I look at the grey image with sadness but pride. after a moment of quiet, I head the bedroom door open and I close the book.
"We're off now. Love you!" I smile.
"Love you too! Have fun," Jimmy blows me a kiss which I return. Once he leaves and I hear the front door close, I whisper a quiet 'goodbye' before picking up the notebook again. I open the drawer beside me, taking out my watercolour pencils and using my cup of water beside me to begin colouring.
I mix the greys, black and browns to make the wolves look as realistic as possible, colouring the clothes on the girl dull and boring shades of sad blue and an almost black shade of grey. I feel her sadness.
After shading her hair mahogany brown, I move onto the setting. The ground is multiple shades of brown with dead orange and red leaves, a few bleak green pieces of grass or plants only slightly peeping through.
The trees are all mostly lacking all or most leaves so i colour the remaining ones different greens and a few bits of red, orange and brown.
Next, the sky.
I make it a deep navy, almost black, with an array of minuscule dotted stars covering it. I add purple and lighter blues with pink to make the Milky Way appear across the mysterious night sky. Such a sad scene below, all the beauty high above forgotten in the midst of the suffering.
The moon is painted a greyish white, shaded basically with a shadow beside it, a faint beam of its light casting over the forest until finally, after adding a few grey coloured rocks in the background, I'm finished. I notice it has been just over an hour since the others left and I get up slowly, leaving the sketchbook open to allow my artwork to dry.
"Summer?" I call and she runs to me as I reach the kitchen and begin to sort out her wet and dry food mix in her bowl before placing it down in front of her. She hoovers it up hungrily as I take a mineral water from the fridge and have two small sips.
I can feel the depression sinking in where I haven't taken my pills properly today but I don't care. I let it get me, the intrusive thoughts and voices attacking my mind. Summer notices me beginning to scratch my hand and stops me before I can injure myself badly.
"I'm sorry," I tell her before turning to the wall and punching it hard, again and again until my knuckles bleed. I then drop to the floor, crying.
I can't cope alone.
All day I've had the thoughts. All day I've been fighting my mind and now it's winning.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
Slowly, I rise. My heavy body makes robotic movements, opening the drawer slowly and taking out a large silver knife. I place it on the kitchen side before finding a pen and paper to write with. I lean against the counter, constructing a basic note.
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
Me not you.
I can't do it anymore.
I love you.
It'll be ok.
Get over me.
Stay safe.
Be strong.
I love you.
It'll be easy.
I don't matter.
I'm not worth this life.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Goodbye.
I place the couple of pages of writing on the kitchen side before opening the medicine cabinet and taking out as many bottles I could find of the strongest medications we have. In the end, i have about 12 bottles filling my hands and pockets. I place the spares in my hands on the side before taking out the knife sharpener and making sure to go over it multiple times until I can place barely any pressure on it against my palm and it still cuts me.
Good.
I take my items and slowly, with no emotion, head upstairs. I shut the bathroom door, leaving summer outside after holding her close and whispering my thank you's and goodbyes. I thank her for all she's ever done for me, kissing her gently before I close the door and lock it for my last time.
Water.
On.
Hot.
A little cold.
Fill the bath as I strip down to my black girls boxers and grey sports bra.
My hair goes up in a messy bun as I look in the floor length mirror.
Finally, I see my body as it truly is. It's damaged and broken so badly I suffer just looking at it.
My bones are yet again beginning to protrude almost scarily from my skin, minimal fat and muscle left on my starved bones. My thigh gap is as big as I could ever desire it to be, my arms basically twiglets and my neck bony and small. My cheeks are hollow and as I step on the scales, I see I'm nearly at my record low. I weight 75lb. Only 3 above my lowest ever. I'm a failure. Slowly, I walk back to the bath. The water is turned off and I take a cup from beside the sink, filling it with cold water. I gently slide my frail self into the bath, not a single tear wetting my face as I lay down comfortably. I hear Summer whimper outside. I ignore her, opening the first bottle of pills. It's over halfway full. Good. I knock them back angrily, sick of suffering. Next bottle, the next, and another. After 4, I stop. Instead, I take my knife and begin to shred my whole body. Arms, legs, stomach, chest, everywhere. What does it matter anymore? I remain in my emotional state, my stomach beginning to contract angrily as I slash away at my thighs, the drugs kicking in. Suddenly, a bark. The sound of men talking together and the door opening. I head Summer hurtle herself downstairs.
"Something's wrong," I hear Jimmy say, panicked.
"Everleigh? Where are you?!" He yells out as Summer continuously barks. Feet pound on the stairs, stopping when they reach the bathroom door.
"She's in here!" Sam yells downstairs. A second later Jimmy yells back in a broken voice.
"I HAVE A NOTE," he screams, running up himself. I begin to panic and make more attempts to cut deeper. I begin to feel dizzy from the blood loss and pills, my mouth foaming up. My whole body hurts and I feel myself begin to shake as some loud bangs sound out on the door.
"Everleigh!" I hear someone call from the other side.
"I'm sorry," I mouth before I lose control, my body convulsing and cramping, the pain practically unbearable. The water around me is stained red and that's the last thing I see before passing out, the screams of the people I love. Loved. Still echoing in my head...

-----------

EDITED