beyond the grid - max verstappen

chapter thirty five

"you alright?" daniel spoke from

the corner of the bed "acester?"

"hm?" I raise my head slightly from lando's lap

"I said are you alright?" he asks with a sad smile. as I turn to face bella, max and pierre, I notice they all seem to have the same look on their faces.

"I said im fine"

"talk to us. you know whatever you tell us will stay in this room. we just want to help" lando looked down at me as he played with my hair.

my mind swelled with thoughts of being out, far, far out at sea and alone, as I tried to listen to what they were all saying to me. within ten minutes, the voice inside my head was screaming, why cant I catch a break? I tried to ignore it, listening to the sound of the ocean I was imagining, though it had been providing difficult not being able to change the volume of the thoughts that were rolling through my mind. so I try to focus on the conversation that was going on around me but I could begin to figure out what they were saying.

"I don't know whats wrong with me" as the words fell from my lips everyone's eyes were back on me and I realise that ive been laying here completely motionless; my head in lando's lap, arms flat by my side and my closest friends just watching. but I am completely empty.

"why do you say that?" daniel's arms wrapped around bella as tears were forming in her eyes. it always hurt her to see people upset and as much as I wanted to hold it together for her, there was no energy left in me to do that.

"I can't make anyone proud. there had to be something wrong with me when I was born. maybe I was dropped as a child" my voice sounds broken. weak. defeated. max's fingers slowly intertwined with mine, giving them a slight squeeze.

"lots of people are proud of you acester, okay? your friends are proud of you. we are proud of you" lando whispers. his hands still lingering in my hair, slowly playing with each strand, keeping it out of my face.

"but why aren't they?" I rasp "whats the point if they aren't"

"don't rely on their approval to find meaning in your life." lando stopped playing with my hair and wrapped his arms around me. pierre was next to join in the hug, followed closely by bella and daniel. but max stayed sitting next to my almost lifeless body, just rubbing his thumb over my hand as he held it tenderly.

"I know my life has meaning" I stopped and looked the people surrounded me and it was silent besides a few sniffles from bella. "because I think im a good person. I love you guys, I care deeply, and I try my best to help anyone when I can. but im not a whole person anymore and I don't think I ever will be. parts of me died and were left in the house I grew up in, and all I can do is visit them in memories"

max was the last one left when everyone headed to bed for a decent night's sleep. he surprises me when he slowly gets into bed next to me, the mattress dips slightly as he pulls my body into his. his arms wrap around me, holding me in place. my skin heats under his touch, craving nay kind of physical closeness after the long night I had endured.

I don't think I could've slept alone tonight and somehow; he already knew this. he drags the duvet up over my shoulders so only my head was peeking out.

"when are you going to start believing in yourself?" he spoke softly, after a long silence. "you believe in everybody else, you support everybody else and you are proud of everybody else. but when are you going to be believe in yourself?"

"I do believe in myself"

"ace tell me youre able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person you see. because I can tell you im proud, lando, daniel, bella, pierre and whoever else can say they are proud of you. but it wont matter if you don't believe it yourself"