beyond the grid - max verstappen

chapter forty eight

my head rests in bellas lap as we drive toward the treatment centre. I pull my blanket tighter around my body shielding myself from the aircon and the camera man Harvey, sat in the front seat. I pinch my eyes together to ease the anxiety that is building in my stomach.

I invited the film crew. this was my idea. I can do this and I need to speak about this.

bella watched out the window, taking in the familiar London sights attempting to fight back her own tears. her hand rubs my arm attempting to comfort me. but I don't think there is anything about this situation that was comforting.

this week is meant to be all about starting to recover mentally and set myself a plan to get back on top of life and training. a reset.

"how are you feeling?" bella spoke so quietly I would think the cameras wouldn't pick it up if we were not wearing mics

"im just tired" my words muffled by the blanket I was coddling "im straight up exhausted"

"I can understand that. youre going to feel better for this... I know it doesn't feel that way, but you will"

bella and I decided it would be nice to rent a flat in London a few days leading up to the grandprix, a small place in Kensington. she thought it would be a nice retreat for the two of us before things started to get busy, but her plan was quickly crushed as max, lando and daniel wanted to stay with us, commuting to work each day and we would head to Silverstone on wednesday afternoon.

"miss?" the driver turns around with an almost apologetic smile "we are here"

harvey in the front seat shuts of the camera and is the first one out of the car. I pull my hoodie over my head seeking some kind of comfort as my body filled with dread. with one more deep breath I open the door, bella reached out her hand to help me but I swatted it away unwilling to accept the help. she walked closely next to me as we entered the clinic.

bella went straight to the counter checking me in and I found the seat in the furthest corner away from anyone else. the camera was flicked back onto me. as my eyes scanned around the room I noticed ever other young person here seemed just as uncomfortable. I gestured for the camera to be put away to not draw attention to me and cause anymore discomfort in the already tense waiting room.

my mind completely zoned out. I didn't even have a thought to think.

bella nudged my shoulder pointing toward a nurse that was calling my name. the pair followed closely behind me. I knew they were there but it still felt like I was walking down the long hallway alone. not yet ready to face what was waiting.

"she had a slight slip at the start of the year and she seemed to be getting better but recently things have seemed to get worse" bella spoke to dr Anderson, knowing I hated to start these conversations. I knew I had to speak at some point but I hated the confrontation of being the first to speak.

"im glad that youre able to recognise this rebecca and felt you were able to come back for treatment." dr anderson offered a slight smile at us.

with every question he asked the heavier my body felt. it was like every bit of tension I tried hard to push away was resurfacing. I knew there would be a lot more of these sessions to go and we were just scraping the top of the ice burg talking about recent events with my mother, ben, change in careers and the whole point of Harvey sat in the corner of the room.

"I will be able to schedule you twice weekly for sessions in person or online dependant on your travel requirements. I think it will also be best to complete a physical exam before you go. have you got a trainer that I should speak to?"