beyond the grid - max verstappen

chapter thirty nine.

there is nobody here to wake me up in the morning. there is nobody waiting on me in the evening. nobody checking in on me through the day because they all think ive taken the week off in Switzerland. so what do you call that? freedom? loneliness?

I wasn't sure anymore

when I woke up, I shuffled through the empty flat trying to find a comfortable spot to actually relax and I found myself sat outside on the balcony. I run my fingers over the deck of cigarettes before putting them straight back down on the table, as I had done for the past two days. my body itched for either food or a cigarette and I knew there was only one option that might actually help.

my stomach wont shut up as I cut up an apple, sprinkling it lightly with cinnamon. I got comfy on the lounge with my bowl of apples, holding myself back from eating it all in just one second while I tried to find the best movie to watch. beautiful boy. there wasn't a lot I was able to do in a day. my body was just too tired. once the bowl of fruit was finished my eyes felt heavy and I fell asleep again.

I lost track of time this way. hours passed but not without jolting awake every so often. my heart seemed to be pounding in my chest whenever I woke up and id sit there clutching my chest. it wasn't just my heart that throbbed causing me pain, my head did too. the wound on my knee had almost healed but there was still a gash on my head, surrounded by a darkening bruise.

I turned my phone off completely Monday night, ready to claim I just needed a break and a way for my family to not contact me. I was still checking socials on my laptop, making sure not to slack on the job, sending everything through to lando by email, making sure to not open a text conversation on my mac either. the article had made it to a few other Australia gossip pages but was yet to hit international media which I was thankful for.

my body eventually started to ache from the position I was laying in on the couch and I knew I had to move. changing the tv to youtube, I try my best to follow along with the first chloe ting workout that came up. it was obvious in the first two minutes my body didn't have the same strength it had just months ago. my arms shake trying to hold my body weight off the floor but I never let myself give up.

I wanted people to know how I felt, but I didn't want to burden them anymore. I was meant to be the one that was able to look after myself and I couldn't even bring myself to put enough food in my body to get through a full day. it seemed like in the last month my smile had fallen but maybe that was my default and there were just moments of happiness. maybe that is life. small moments of happiness with a lot of pain to follow. or maybe that was just my life.

tears started pouring out of my eyes as I watch timmy sit in that diner begging his dad to accept him. I try to steady my breath, taking long, slow breaths. this probably wasn't the best movie choice for the state I was in right now. there was just nothing better to do with this week than spend it watching films in what I thought would be a relaxing solitude but I wasn't so sure about that anymore.

a painful groan leaves my lips as I peel my body from the couch leaving the bowl on the floor. it was no longer the clean apartment I had arrived home to. there were cups all over the place a few bowls here and there. I made a mental note to get someone to come and clean before bella got home but I just didn't have the energy to do it myself. I made sure to use all the dishes that were replaceable, so if it came to it, I could order a new set and just throw these away.

after positioning my laptop in the perfect spot, I pull the duvet up tucking it tightly around my neck, so only my head was out of the covers. the theme song to peaky blinders began playing out of my laptop speakers and my mind completely zoned in.

there are always new tv shows that are being recommended to me and I always promise to start watching them but the truth is I will always rewatch the same few shows over and over again. I don't want anything slow or hard to follow, anything that feels like work. that's why I like rewatching shows, I know its going to be good, i know what happens most of the time, its mindless entertainment.

it feels like I have just laid down but somehow the sun has already set and im already half way through the second season. there is no motivation for me to turn it off and get some sleep even though my body probably needs it. it wouldn't be a peaceful sleep anyway.

this however is the only thing distracting me from the sound of my heart beating and the pain in my stomach. making every attempt not to look at myself, I actively avoided the bathroom. I don't remember the last time I peed but I hadn't showered since I got home on Monday night. I wasn't sure if the pain in my stomach was from the lack of food or avoidance of the bathroom.

my eyes focused again on the scene as I slowly adjust my body to a slightly more comfortable position. there are zero thoughts going through my mind. usually, im still able to drool over tommy Shelby but this was different. there was no emotion, there was no thought. I just feel completely empty and I don't know what is going to shake it and Im scared of whatever emotion will break through first.

that's the thing about having an eating disorder, there are so many emotional responses that come along with it. there is always going to be this dark place, where I feel empty and alone but then there are these ups where I am so happy. but the thing with that is; when im supposed to be enjoying the highs there is this constant anxiety for the lows that I know are bound to come. its just a waiting game. a game I have to fight with everything I have just to make it to the next stage.

however, watching tv shows like this was always a good gauge of my mental state. the sun was officially up and I was four seasons deep and somewhere in the last episode it started to feel like work, like a full media week leading into Monaco gp work. that's when I know im fucked. like nothing is going to change this feeling fucked.

I roll over in my bed retucking the duvet around me as a sense of comfort. but it simply wasn't helping. I stare blankly at the wall in front of me because realistically anything else that I try to do today will be just as boring.

the thing about pain is you always try you best to firm it. try and hide how much something actually hurts you. that's until you cant anymore. the pain becomes unbearable.

that's how im feeling right about now.

clutching my stomach I let out a loud groan, there wasn't anyone here to hear it anyway. I push the blankets off my body with my legs, feeling like it I let go of my stomach my body might actually fall apart. I have to use one hundred and seventy two muscles each step to the bathroom and one hundred and seventy two of them were all unwilling participants.

another loud groan leaves my lips as I pull my body off the bed and heavy breathing takes over. I don't even make it half way from my bed to the ensuite before I am on the floor. crawling. crawling to get to the bathroom because whatever it was causing this pain needed to get out. whether Im backed up or I needed to vomit to get rid of the hunger pains. it needed to be done.

I know if I were to tell this to anyone it would be a major overshare so I apologise in advance

I use the sink to pull my body off of the ground, pulling my shorts down and sitting on the cold porcelain bowl. whimpers continue to leave my mouth as the shortest trickle of pee leaves my body. there is no way im going to let myself get a uti or kidney infection over this. I lean forward grabbing my cup from the sink, filling it with water and frantically drinking it.

I don't know how long I repeated this process but I kept going till I finally managed a normal pee. but even once I had managed that I didn't have the energy to get myself back off the toilet. my legs were officially numb and starting to hurt from how long I had been sitting on the hard surface and bubbles were starting to rise in my stomache from all the water I had just skulled.

with one last deep breath I finally pull myself off the seat, and with another im able to bend down and pull up my shorts again. I mentally prepared myself to be up and down from the toilet all day/night with the amount I had just drunk. but knowing that I tuck myself back in bed in hopes of getting some kind of sleep in between bathroom breaks.

i honestly dont know what i am doing with this anymore ffs someone help or tell me if youre vibing