beyond the grid - max verstappen

chapter forty one . five

this is only half a chapter simply cause i want to start posting more regularly but i didnt have the motivation to finish this 

a faint buzzing noise begins to overpower my dream, drowning out any sense of peace. I squint my eyes attempting to make it stop. I push my face further into the pillow not wanting to wake up. finally, the ringing stopped but the quiet only stayed for a second before it started buzzing again. my hands move around the bed trying to find where it is coming from. my body jolts and my eyes open wide as my hand falls onto another body lying next to me.

relief washes over me noticing it was just max. he was still in the clothes he was wearing yesterday. I turn over to face him ignoring the buzzing sound to steal the chance to appreciate how peaceful he looks in his sleep. his lips were slightly parted, his face slightly squished from the pillow.

it was completely dark outside and I could only assume I fell asleep not long after my bath. after telling max that I hadn't been sleeping properly, he agreed to watch a film on my laptop in bed, wanting me to rest more before we spoke properly. he held me tightly from behind, allowing my body to properly relax and about ten minutes into the bee movie my eyes began to feel heavy.

I let out a groan as the buzzing starts again. my hands once again trying to navigate their way to the source. only the light from the hallway guiding my way.

"whats wrong ace?" his voice was groggy

I jolt back slightly "one of our phones is ringing and I cant find either" my voice is almost a whisper not wanting to wake him up any further

I watch quietly as his hands mirror mine trying to find either phone on the bed. his arm swiftly bend behind him pulling both phones from behind his back, placing them in front of me.

"its your phone" I place the phone into his outstretched hand and without even opening his eyes, he answers the call

"yes?" he spoke with some urgency "no, I wont be there. im not at home at the moment anyway" his tone became more relaxed as he realised who was on the other end. I tried to not listen in, turning to face the ceiling, but I couldn't block out the words he was basically speaking into my ear. "im at a friends house but I can pick that up for you before I leave."

"sorry my phone woke you up" he grabs my phone placing them both behind him. "it was daniel"

"oh?" I turn back to face him offering a small smile. I really missed him this week, I missed them all. I cant help the small bubble of guilt growing inside of me, knowing I had lied to my closest friends.

"he forgot his beats and wanted me to bring them to him if I come to the uk or the next race" he gives me a small smile, as if he knows how I am feeling. "I wont tell them youre here"

I squeeze his hand that is lying between the two of us. "I really appreciate you. I don't really know why you keep showing up for me but I do appreciate it"

"you push everyone else away. do you not think you deserve someone helping you?" my eyes flicked away from his, unable to hold the contact anymore. "im sure you know how my dad treated me through my childhood" I nodded unsure what I was meant to say "so you know about it. the teams and drivers know about it. the media writes all about it. but im not even about to admit out loud the negative ways that it has affected me over the years."

"why not?" my thumb softly rubbed over his hand that's interlocked with mine.

"im scared. im afraid that it will alter the relationship that I have with him. he won't just be my father that pushed me a little too hard, it will become a much sourer relationship and I will have to truly accept all the shit he has put me through. I know it's stupid and im lying to myself but im stuck with it now" his eyes flicked between our hands and my eyes as he spoke. he was sure of all the words he spoke but just hesitant to let them out of his mouth.

"I thought I was able to avoid all of my family issues by moving away from Australia. but if anything, ive just made them worse. I spent my life looking after my drunk mother, filling in for my father's absence, basically raising my siblings as my own children, for what? for nothing. my parents never showed any appreciation. now I move here and actually start my own life and they want to drag me back down. she spoke to multiple Australian gossip magazines, telling them about our argument and made me out to be a horrible daughter who is tearing the family apart. who does that?" the sadness that I had been feeling all week was no longer there, I could feel the frustration building in my body.

"someone who knows they will never be able to achieve the things you have. that's who. you've moved overseas and creating a life for yourself many people dream about and there are always going to be people who are jealous of that and they are going to try to drag you down or make you feel small." this time his eyes focused on mine with every word that he spoke.

"I still fucking feel small every time I think about it. so what am I supposed to do?" I almost felt like I was begging him for the answers as if he was meant to know how to fix it all.

"there will always be something that makes the most confident person feel insecure" he rolls onto his back, pulling my body into his side, our intertwined hands now resting on his stomach

"do you feel insecure?" my eyes scanned the side of his face, taking in every detail.

"Sometimes but then I just choose to not feel insecure" he turned to face me "most of life relies on confidence. but the thing about that is nobody ever knows if it is real or not. you just need to put it the work to appear confident and it won't matter what anyone says in the press." he places a small kiss on the top of my forehead before reaching behind him to grab my phone. "now show me these articles."