fate

situational depression

that night, Taehyung had slept with Jimin cuddling him. but the next morning, he woke up not by Jimin but by jungkook. Jimin was nowhere to be seen and he had been woken up by jungkook's kisses all over his face. he opened his eyes to see jungkook still in his airport outfit with a bag on his shoulder. 

jungkook: hey, love... I came as soon as I could. Are you okay?

Taehyung: better than yesterday.

Jungkook nodded. he kept his bag in a corner, took off his jacket and lay down next to Taehyung. He wrapped his arms around Taehyung who snuggled in his chest. they stayed like that for some time. no one said a word. They didn't need to. just their presence was enough to comfort each other.

finally, after half an hour, Taehyung got up and forced jungkook to get up too. Jungkook took a quick shower and went to the living room wearing his favourite hoodie to find Taehyung staring into space, completely zoned out. jungkook went and hugged him from behind. Taehyung smiled and hugged him back, but jungkook sensed some sort of melancholy in it. he couldn't figure out why it felt so sad. but he let it go.

they had breakfast, enjoying each other's presence and then sat down, in the window. it was monsoon and it was raining. Taehyung was wearing a sweater that belonged to jungkook and was therefore too big for him, drowning him in it. it made him look very cute.

Taehyung: can we talk? I need to talk to you about something.

Jungkook: of course. just wait for 2 minutes.

Jungkook brought two hot chocolates and they both sat at the window, sipping their hot chocolate while looking at the rain.

Jungkook: so...

Taehyung: I have to talk to you about two very important things. the first one is... what are we going to do about the media???

Jungkook: I don't know yet, but I think we should just ignore it without giving any statements. it'll die down in a few days.

Taehyung: okay.

Jungkook: now, what is the second thing?

Taehyung: I talked with Jimin yesterday... and I realised I have done this wrong.

Jungkook: done what wrong?

Taehyung: I have not been completely honest with you.

jungkook: what do you mean? Have you lied to me about something?

Taehyung: it's not that. I-I told y-you I w-was completely fine... I lied to you about my condition.

jungkook: what do you mean? are you sick? do you need me to take you to the doctor?

Taehyung: I-I'm not physically sick. I told you I get anxiety attacks sometimes... but that is not all. I get them for a reason. I have situational depression.

Jungkook: what??? w-what i-is t-that?

Taehyung opened his phone and showed him an article.

Situational depression is a short-term, stress-related type of depression. It can develop after you experience a traumatic event or series of events. Situational depression is a type of adjustment disorder. It can make it hard for you to adjust to your everyday life following a traumatic event. It's also known as reactive depression.

symptoms include:

sadnesshopelessnesslack of enjoyment in normal activitiesregular cryingConstant worrying or feeling anxious or stressed outsleeping difficultiesdisinterest in foodtrouble focusingtrouble carrying out daily activitiesfeeling overwhelmedavoiding social situations and interactionnot taking care of important matters like paying your bills or going to workthoughts or attempts at suicide

jungkook: you have this? w-why? h-how? since when?

Taehyung: I have had it since about 2 years ago.

jungkook: why didn't you tell me?

Taehyung: ......

jungkook: tell me! why did you tell me earlier?

Taehyung: I didn't want to worry you.

Jungkook: are you crazy!! I thought we were completely honest with each other. I thought we had promised to share each other's happiness as well as pain. 

Taehyung: I'm sorry. A-are y-you angry with me? Are y-you d-disappointed in m-me?

Tears started rolling down his cheek and he started trembling. jungkook wrapped his arms around Taehyung and pulled him closer.

jungkook: no love. I am not disappointed in you. I am not angry with you. I am angry with myself for not noticing this earlier. I am disappointed in myself that I made you feel uncomfortable about talking about your problems. it is my fault. not your. you are perfect.

Taehyung: no!!! I am not uncomfortable talking to you. I just didn't want you to worry too much.

Jungkook: bun, I am your boyfriends. it is my duty to worry about you. and my right. you can't stop me from worrying about you. but you should tell me everything. this is not fair. you shouldn't bear all this pain alone. let me give you a hand.

Taehyung: o-okay.

jungkook: now tell me everything about this. I want to know every single detail about this.

Taehyung: I was diagnosed about 3 years ago. I am one of the few who have the worst stage. self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I had to take a break from college because it had gotten worse about 2 years ago. It has gotten better since I met you again but it is still there. I go into depressive episodes sometimes and spiral. 

Jungkook: is there any reason for this depression? or is it hormone imbalance?

Taehyung: bogum said the strongest feeling in the world, that can destroy a whole [person is guilt, and regret.

Jungkook: guilt? guilt about what?

Taehyung: I felt guilty about leaving you. about breaking you. about snatching away your perfect life.

Jungkook hugged Taehyung tighter and kissed his forehead...

Jungkook: but shouldn't that go now that things are better? shouldn't the depression go now that there is nothing to regret? nothing to be guilty of?

Taehyung: it is not that easy. it starts because of some traumatic event but it continues even after you recover from the trauma. once you go down, it is very hard to come back again. I am trying, but it is hard. really really hard. so fucking hard.

Jungkook: I know baby. and I am so fucking proud of you for trying. I'm so proud of you. I've never been prouder.

taehyung looked at him with huge teary eyes.

taehyung: r-really? you are proud of me?

jungkook nodded.

jungkook: isn't there any cure for it?

Taehyung: I go to bogum daily, who is my therapist and helps me gain control over my mind. 

Jungkook: don't you have any medicines prescribed? I have never seen you take one.

Taehyung: I threw them away when you moved in. I didn't want you to find out.

Jungkook: you shouldn't have done that, bub. it is not good for your health. besides, don't hide things from me ever again.

Taehyung nodded.