𝖂𝖍𝖎𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘 𝕺𝖋 𝕷𝖔𝖛𝖊 (ZhanYi)

A Common Whore.

Zhan's Pov.

It had been about three weeks since I told Blake I was in love with him, and I still wasn't sure how he took the news. It's like he brushed it aside without rejecting it, and I wasn't sure what that meant.

After I'd told him, he'd walked to the refrigerator to have a drink. Okay,  a few drinks, and then he said we'd deal with it another time. The only problem was that three weeks had already passed, and I was still waiting for 'another time' to show itself.

I had already decided not to bug him about it; he was finally accepting the fact that he was with a man, so it made sense that he needed more time. When he said we'd give it a try, I was ecstatic, excited, over the moon. We would finally be together; we'd actually be a couple. Even though we were somewhat together, it didn't exactly feel that way.

Yes, we had sex often either at the hotel or grandpa's place, but it felt like that's all we did when we saw each other. It seemed like our relationship revolved solely around physical intimacy. Despite his promise to change, I wondered if it would have been healthier for both of us to keep our distance. The lack of communication only added to my frustration.

The more we had sex, even though it was amazing, the more difficult it was for me to look at myself in the mirror. He only came to me or called me to come over when he needed release. We didn't cuddle or talk; nothing. We just had sex then he'd leave without saying a word as if the act itself was all he could stand.

The act made me feel like a common whore, as if all I had to offer was sex. Yet I still did it. Whenever he wanted to, I'd give him what he wanted and watch him leave. But I couldn't help it; I craved his attention so much that even this was better than nothing at all.

At the moment I lay in bed, sweaty and panting after the wild sex we'd just had. My heart broke as I watched him pick up his discarded clothes and put them on, without saying a word. As I sat up in bed, my heart pounded. He didn't stay over anymore, since that first night he got drunk.

He had just snapped on his jeans and was moving to find his shirt when I spoke up; "You know you could stay the night, I mean... it's late, you don't have to rush to the hotel" I spoke softly, hoping he'd stay.

He looked up at me briefly, then turned away again, pulling his shirt over his head. "No, I got to get to the hotel." was all he said.

I blinked back the tears in my eyes. I wasn't weak; crying wasn't for me, but it felt like no matter what I did, I just pushed him further away. I'd tried reaching out to him in every way I knew how. However, nothing was working. He could barely look at me, and that hurt me in more ways than I could ever imagine.

Every time he left like this after we had sex, I got more ashamed of myself that I allowed him to treat me this way. Every time he left like this, it felt like something had broken inside me. It felt like rejection over and over again. A man could stand so much and no more; even from someone he loved.

He'd already slipped on his shoes and was about to walk out the door when I voiced my thoughts, causing him to freeze in place. "Maybe we should stop this." I said, looking at him in such a way that I knew my heart was showing in my eyes.

"Meaning?" he asked, turning to look at me.

"This." I gestured to him and then to the bed.

"Maybe we should just...forget about the whole thing. You said you'd give it a try and you did but it's not working out. Maybe we should stop." I said again.

He shifted from foot to foot, looking at me with wide eyes.

"It's not working for you. So what? The feelings just vanished?" he asked, his voice shaky.

"The feelings will never go away Blake, I just can't do this anymore." I said, pulling up my knees to rest my elbows on them.

"What do you mean you can't do this anymore? You're the one who pushed for this in the first place! You're the one who wanted me to accept myself and be together!" he shouted, clearly angry now.

"And can you honestly say you've accepted yourself?" I tried to remain calm.

"Of course I have. I'm having sex with you, aren't I? I'm not pushing you away anymore. I've done what you asked, what's the problem now?" he shouted out again, frustration evident in his stance.

"Blake, you push me away in everything I do! I can't touch you if we're not having sex, we can never be alone together outside, you make excuses every time I ask you to hang out, you never stay over or allow me to sleep over. It's like no matter how hard I try you don't want anything to do with me, and I can't do this anymore! Do you know how humiliating it is to watch you walk away after sex? You make me feel so dirty, so used. The only thing left for you to do now is put the money on the counter before you leave!" I screamed, my voice reverberating with emotion.

He stood there, his eyes wide with shock at my outburst, but I couldn't even stand to look at his face anymore so I turned away. Minutes passed where neither of us said a thing. It got to the point where I was tempted to turn around to see if he had left. However, he moved, and I heard his jeans rustling.

"I- I had no idea you felt that way...I thought...I didn't realize I'd been..." he trailed off.

I remained silent, refusing to look at him.

"I've tried to accept this... I don't know. I guess I thought I was handling it okay. I didn't even realize I was...I was hurting you...it was just easier, I guess." He breathed, but I knew I'd lose it. At that moment, I would break down in tears, saying it was okay, that I was mistaken, that we could go on the way we were just so I could be with him somehow, but I couldn't, I wouldn't, and so I remained silent, refusing to look at him.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" he asked.

"Because I didn't think it would matter." I finally replied.

"Of course it would have. I knew what I was doing wasn't right, but I thought you were okay with it. I didn't even realize I had pushed you away." I- He started, but I cut him off.

"It's okay Blake, I get it, you're not ready, but I can't do this anymore, to have someone I love reject me over and over, to have him push me away at every turn; I just...it's just too much Blake, It's killing me, I can't do it anymore." I took a deep breath and turned to look at him "We gave it a try, let's just go back to the way it was please, I'd rather have you as a stranger than this torture, I shouldn't have forced you into this.

He stood looking intently into my eyes for a few minutes before speaking.

"Trying to accept this hasn't been easy for me, but I'm glad you made me acknowledge what I really am. It's easier to havesomeone else know what I'm going through. I'm not ready to tell the world, I don't even know if I'll ever be, but...I'm sorry I treated you like that. I swear I never meant to Sean, and I never wanted to hurt you." He said.