Fame (Except Not) [GxG Fanfic]

Thirty-Six

so um... this would between lines of stars if it was a book... like, it's all an aside, in her head, basically... so.... here!

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So there's something I should explain, maybe. Just to make clear why this.

I really, really can't fuck people. Like I just can't. Not with me doing the moving, anyway. I've never been able to, not properly, not with, well, the nice bits of me on the nice bits of her, so we're both feeling the same things at the same time. So not like Anna just did to me, basically. I don't know how to make my hips move the right way, is the problem, and all I seem to be able to manage is this weirdly awkward, ungainly, start and stop, twitchy up-and-down that I can only do maybe ten times in a row before I get tired and have to stop.

I feel like a zombie on meth when I try. A zombie with ADHD.

I'm not joking. It really is that bad.

I can manage with my leg, though, like with my leg pushing forwards against her, but it only works with my legs, not any other part of down-there me, and only in the right positions, too. So if we're holding each other exactly right, and touching in exactly the right way, and at the proper angles, as well. And also, and what's almost worse, is I'm pretty sure I look completely stupid when I try, like all peering down between us and making silly faces as I concentrate on where she is and what I'm doing. And I don't like looking silly. I don't like it at all. Especially when I'm being watched.

Because the worst thing of all, the really awfulest thing about all this, is that she probably is watching. She's watching me try and do this to her. Because, really, she would be, wouldn't she? I mean, she has nothing much else to do but watch, really, because of how she isn't being distracted by having nice fun sex or anything like that. Because of how abysmally terrible I am at doing it.

So she just watches me. As I make faces and concentrate and do what I'm doing, badly. And also get awkward and embarrassed and uncomfortable. And she has a miserable time.

So basically, I can't. It's a bad idea to even try. I'm awful at doing actual sex to people. I mean, when I want to do something for her, to be nice, it has to be something else. Like a hand or a mouth. Sex, I just can't, and I know I can't, so I don't even try any more.

And yes, I know not doing it, like not actually practicing, probably doesn't help anything either. Because never actually trying means I never get better by practicing. And that makes me even less interested in ever trying again. But I don't like doing things I'm bad at, or things that make me look stupid, or feel stupid, so well, I don't do this.

Yes, sigh, poor me, but never mind, I got used to all that a long time ago.

Because the thing is, I can't fuck people, and I don't really care. Because, fortunately, I really, really like giving head.

I like giving head a lot.

Impossibly a lot.

Like, way more than you, no matter how much you actually like it.

I just like doing it. I really do.

So, well, that's what I'm going to do right now!

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