The Aged | Gyuhao (Sequel to Youth)

- 33

| Chapter Thirty - Three — Hanniehae |

Joshua's sitting next to the hospital bed in which Jeonghan lies.

He holds the boy's hand tight in his own, hot tears threatening to spill as they dance along his lashes.

He listens to the monitor, each beep of Jeonghan's heartbeat ringing through his ears like a gunshot, reminding him what they're doing here, why they're here.

"I'm sorry," Joshua whispers, thumb running circles along Jeonghan's knuckles, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

Silence.

Joshua hates this.

He wants to go back to the past and punch himself in the face repeatedly until he understands what completely disappearing from someone's life could do.

Jeonghan tried to...

He tried...

Joshua drops his head, tears painting his clothing as they finally topple past his waterline, rolling down his cheeks.

It felt like his heart had burst, warm blood running up his body to spill from his eyes, hot and sticky.

"I loved you, I really did," Joshua lets him know, squeezing his hand tighter. His tears fall on the back of Jeonghan's palm, "Come back to me so I can tell you that."

Nothing.

Just his heart breaking into pieces.

Joshua sighs, breath shaky, "I was meant to play you for answers, but I fell in love with you. When you asked me to marry you, I felt happy... I felt giddy and ecstatic when I knew I was meant to break off our relationship right then." He says, "The plan was never to get attached. That's what happened with Mingyu to Hao, and now that's what happened with me to you, Hannie." He sniffles, "I just want you to know how much you mean to me."

Jeonghan looks so pretty. His hair is haloed around his face, framing his beauty. Joshua feels like he's been stabbed repeatedly.

"I'm sorry," He apologizes again, "I-I never thought you'd do something like this— I'm so sorry." The tears don't end, just get more hot, more warm with purpose, "I should've came back to you after the fight. Going back to the gang was stupid, I— I should've stayed, I—" Joshua drops his head again, weak, heart twisted.

"Wake up soon, hmm?" Joshua leans closer, head resting against Jeonghan's arm, "I need you.... I need you so much— I can't go on without you, please wake up. Wake up, please." He pleads so desperately, Jeonghan's skin stained with Joshua's emotions.

Joshua spends all night crying next to Jeonghan, never once faltering their interlaced hands, never once getting up to go anywhere, never interacting with the nurses or doctors that make their way inside for hourly checkups, not even Seungkwan or Seungcheol who visit just as much, every dresser and table covered in bouquets they won't stop bringing.

Soonyoung and Junhui come in too, so does Chan every once and a while. They cry softly next to Joshua, patting his back and hugging him the best they can because he won't move away. Even when his bladder threatens to burst, or vomit dares to run up his throat from the lack of food and water— He doesn't move an inch.

He wants to be here when Jeonghan wakes.

Not, if— When.

Never if.