If I Have To

The Truth

New York, New York
March 29th

Xena L.

"You're what?!"

I moved my phone from my ear to check the contact. Jada Darling. My older sister. That's who I was talking to right now. So why was the topic of discussion about a child? Her having said child. She was joking. She had to be because there was no way.

I placed the phone back to my ear. "Tell me you're joking," I begged.

"I'm not joking," Jada replied. If only we were talking in person then I'd be able to see her face. Then I could determine if she was joking or not. For now, I'm going to assume that she was because I was not believing her.

"Yes, you are." I told her. I went back to looking at the clothes on the rack I was in front of.

Sage and I decided to come to the mall together just to shop. Her schedule was overwhelming and the opposite of mine. I had free time all day, every day. She was busy damn near all day, every day. So, I was happy that we were able to spend some time together today. I was also beginning to feel lonely being home by myself majority of the time.

I was still trying to get used to New York culture. What the hell did people out here do? I got many answers. Work was one. Walk was another. Then the gym, restaurants, or bars. All of that was boring me now that that's all I've been doing since being out here. Shopped in almost every store. Despised the gym, so I wasn't stepping in there. Got takeout since I didn't want to eat alone. Bars were always crowded with white men coming from work before having to see their wives and children.

I stayed within the area as well. Whatever was closed by that's where I went. I didn't trust myself to wonder outside these boundaries that I was placed for myself. In the end was I hurting myself? Absolutely, but it didn't matter. I'll deal with it later. Now, back to Jada.

"There's no way you're pregnant, Jada." I said, taking this cute sweater off the rack. I looked at the tag and put it back. $200 for a plain brown sweater? Hell no!

"I am pregnant, Xena." Jada chuckled but I didn't find anything funny. "I found out last week and was going to have a dinner reveal."

"But you're telling me now because I'm not there." I already knew what she was going to say. What the hell was up with my family having family dinners all of a sudden? The thought of them doing it now that I was gone really struck a nerve.

"Yes. Also because I wanted to celebrate with my sister. You don't know how joyful I am about this," she happily spoke. I rolled my eyes, not getting the excitement over being pregnant.

I wasn't against it. I wanted kids whenever I felt like I was mentally ready for them. The thing is I don't think I'll be able to handle the actual work put into. The sex? I had that down pack. Put me in the right position and say the magic words, and you got me. Walk around with a huge belly that's in my way 24/7, along with body and hormones changes? Not my cup of tea. Couldn't see myself putting my body through all of that. Will I change my mind one day? Who knows.

"I don't understand why you're doing this," I remarked, confused on her life choice.

Jada never gave off the vibe that she wanted to be a mother. Granted, she had the motherly gene. The first daughter and second child to Franklin and Cynthia Mills. She took care of Marco, even though he was older than her, along with Tyler and me. Though we had a formal babysitter, Franklin always put Jada in charge of us all. She still acted that way today. Setting Marco and Tyler straight during formal events. Disciplining me, even over the phone. It was ridiculous in my opinion but Jada seemed to have loved it during the time.