If I Have To

Loving Amaryllis

New York, New York
January 31st

Dear Mommy's Baby Girl,

Amaryllis Nora Langston! Yes girl I'm using your full name because you are killing me right about now. You are three days past due. THREE DAYS GIRL! And I desperately need your behind to come on. Do you not want to see mommy and daddy? Because we want to see you badly. Me more than Poppa since you're hurting me like crazy with the contractions. So, if you can just do momma a favor, a HUGE favor, and come on out then I promise we'll have a shopping spree every day when you come home.

Every! Day! But that's only if you come out. Please come out baby girl.

Love, a hurting mommy

༄

Xena L.

There was a superpower that I carried inside of me that I never knew I had. I would have never expected myself to live life the way that I've been living for the past nine or so months. It was hard and difficult. Having days where I didn't think I would be able to handle what's to come and at times I wanted to give up badly. But even through all these bad days that I experienced, I managed to get done what needed to be done.

This was the same.

"Aarghhh!" I shouted loudly while pushing as hard as I could.

My eyes were shut tightly and tears cascade down my cheeks. This burning sensation that I was experiencing was killing me. It was like being shackled right on top of a blazing fire. Painful, uncomfortable, and unsettling. I underestimated the pain and performance of this entire process which is why I didn't get an epidural. I was regretting that decision more and more as the pain intensified to a feeling I couldn't handle.

"Relax for me babe." Harmony told me while rubbing my leg. I did as told and began my breathing exercises. It wasn't working for shit but it was all that I could do to keep myself relaxed.

"This hurts so bad!" I cried out with my head going back. My hands began searching for his since I desperately needed to feel his presence. Right now I didn't care for anyone in the room other than him. And I needed him badly.

"I can't." I found myself beginning to cry with my voice getting raspy and croaking. My hand was finally grabbed, the firmness let me know who it was without needing to see. The person I desperately needed to keep going with all of this.

"I'm right here baby." His deep voice spoke to give me that reassurance I needed.

"Just keep breathing mama. Her head is right there and she has so much hair." He kept giving me encouragement. I tried to give a smile after hearing that but it was taken over by a loud groan as I had the urge to push again.

"She's coming!" I yelled, lifting my upper body up to look at Pierre and Harmony. I gave the most serious look I can provide so they knew that this pausing and unpausing stuff we were doing wasn't working out for me. Baby Amaryllis wanted to get out now and I sure as hell needed her to as well.

"She's crowning, Xena. It's going to be painful, I know, but I need you to keep pushing until I say stop so she'll come out fully. Is that fine?" Pierre asked me.

I didn't bother to answer and gave her a head nod. Anything will be alright with me at this point of painfulness. Pierre began counting down and once she reached number one, I let out the loudest scream while pushing as hard as I could. I squeezed Kasey's hand tightly when I felt the pain that Pierre mentioned I would experience. I never felt this much agony in my life and I started to feel truly discouraged about doing this as a whole. I can own a shop and renovate a shelter, but I don't think I can brith a baby.