If I Have To

Reality Check

Seattle, Washington
May 27

Xena

I was the problem.

I never wanted to admit it because I always thought things could die down and I'll be able to leave it in the past. However, running from my issues only made them come back ten times stronger. Yesterday, had blown me off my high horse and now I was being dragged along from behind. Eventually it was going to happen and I thought I had prepared myself for it to come.

Obviously, I was not as my entire family hurt my feelings with them admitting they didn't want me around. None of them called or texted to check on me either. It was dumb of me to think that they would. Knowing where things are now with them put everything in perspective. My family didn't care about me and chose to not want me around. I had to let it be because forcing it would leave me embarrassed like last night.

I wanted to not care but it was hurting me on the inside. I cried myself to sleep after all of that and I woke up teary-eyed while bent over to the toilet. Not only that, but I wanted to speak to one person in particular and I was unsure if they wanted to talk to me. I'll just have to see. Finishing up in the shower, I exited out the bathroom and entered the room. I chose not to get dressed first and sat on the edge of the bed.

I reached for my phone and stared at my Lock Screen. The mirror picture of Kasey and I that was my absolute favorite. I had my head thrown back while his hand was around my neck and he kissed me. I smirked as I thought back to when we took this. I was chilling in the bathroom doing a mini photoshoot when he came in. He gave me one picture and this was it.

I missed the hell out of my man.

Blowing out a huge breath, I unlocked my phone and went right to the phone app to call him. I prayed that he would answer. I don't think I'd be able to deal with anymore embarrassing moments. I put my phone on speaker then rested it beside me while I get dressed. I wasn't in the mood to do anything today despite having plans on going to the aquarium. I would love to see the animals but they'll have to wait some other time.

I noticed the phone was still ringing which made me think he was at work or he could be ignoring me. Giving me the same treatment that I've been giving him. I chose to end the call since he wasn't answering. I'll try again at another time when I think it was the right time. Still in my recent call log, I scrolled until I seen Destiny contact and called her instead. I was home so I might as well get my hair done and get her opinion on things.

I was thankful that she answered. "Hey, puddin'!" She answered eagerly.

"Hey. Do you mind if I come get my hair done?" I got straight to the point.

"Girl, I don't know why you're even asking. I'm heading over there now so meet me there." She answered.

"Okay. I'll be there." I let her know before our call ended. I tossed my phone back on the bed then sighed heavily.

I wonder how this'll go.

༄

Another unanswered call from Kasey. I sighed heavily while locking my phone and resting it on the sink. I must've messed up if he wasn't answering my calls now. I never thought that would end up happening just as much as I never thought I'd end up married. I feel as though I'm past that realization and should start living in reality. I never wanted to because I knew I was the villain in the real world. I couldn't take the truth.