If I Have To

You Make Me Worry Darling

New York, New York
May 24th

Kasey L.

"I've returned!" Davon said aloud entering the kitchen. He held up this mornings prize box for me to see.

"I drove past five Dunkin Donuts, six local coffee shops, and a bakery to get to that place." He informed me while putting the box on the counter.

"Yeah, she wanted them from there specifically. Are there lavender sprinkles?" I asked for assurance. I could only imagine the fury if she didn't have them. Davon grabbed the small white box and opened it for me. Four pink strawberry frosted donuts with multicolored sprinkles on it were inside. I seen the lavender sprinkles, per requested, and knew we were alright.

"everything she wanted. Serious question though, is everything alright with Xena?" Davon asked as he closed the box.

I shrugged, turning the stove off then grabbing a clean plate. I knew why he was asking. I haven't been the only person noticing the change she done. After my talk with Xena earlier today, I had a major epiphany that turned my entire perspective on everything around. I don't know what exactly she was going through. Knowing Xena, it could be a multitude of things from her past and present. Depression maybe or even an identity crisis. Whatever it may have been, my responses were going to be different now.

I want to be supportive and find solutions to her problems. But Xena was confusing and she didn't like speaking up when something was bothering her. It left me having no idea what to do and when I finally have an answer it's too late. I may have been unsure about all of that, I knew regardless I was going to be here.

"I have no idea exactly." I verbally answered. "Being out here is too much for her to handle, so she says. She's stressing because she doesn't fit in with people out here."

"Really?" Davon sounded surprised. I was too when I first heard it. I get that it was fast paced but there were tons of things going on. How was she not fitting in when there was always something occurring? I have no idea. But it was Xena and she complicated the easiest of things.

"That was my same reaction." I told him.

"There's a lot going on out here though. She likes plants and all she has to do is find those interests. It's something out here for everyone." He said.

"I agree and I tried to tell her that she doesn't have to fit in everyone but I believe there's something deeper going on. She wants to go home." I brought up needing to clear these thoughts.

Hearing that she wanted to go back home hurt. I couldn't sleep after that because my mind was wandering to one thing only, her leaving me. I reflected on my own actions and assumed that I haven't done much for her to feel comfortable here. I like to think I had an excuse because I worked daily. If I wasn't working then I was tending to her. However, knowing that she wasn't comfortable here made me feel a certain way as a whole. Having me thinking that I wasn't doing my part as a husband of hers.

That's why I was up early so I could take care of these responsibilities and find a few activities to get her out the house. I don't know what she needed. It didn't feel like she knew what she needed either. I was going to do my best to help. I didn't want to mess up and lose her. That was my biggest fear at the moment. She goes back home and chooses to never return. Listening to her talk made me believe that the idea was already on her mind. She was using this visit to confirm. Truthfully speaking, I don't know what I'd do if she never comes back to me.