If I Have To

Kasey's Love Langauge

New York, New York
March 26th

Kasey L.

The princess palace was a special area in the trauma unit where surgeons, like me, came when we needed some time alone. I haven't been to this area in a long time due to a vow made, and today I was breaking that vow. Entering the room, my eyes scanned the area and took in the atmosphere. It looked the same as before with its huge spacing, warm colored designs, a muted tv, and vending machines. I quietly shut the door behind me since this was a silent area. One used heavily after surgery goes wrong.

That's why I was here.

I continued looking around to see if I was alone. I needed the empty space. I ended up seeing Natasha sitting on one of the couches, snacking on pretzels. She lifted her head up and we made eye contact. She gave me a wave and I returned one, deciding to walk towards her. Natasha Beckon or Tee, as she likes to be called, was among one of the people I actually mess with around here.

She was a gorgeous dark skin woman with this skin disease called vitiligo. The loss of her skin color took different and odd shaping on her face, hand, arms, and other parts of her body. If I remember correctly, she got it when she was a child, maybe seven or eight. Tee was a wonderful surgical nurse, taking her place on Kenneth's trauma team. She was also extremely weird in a good way. She reminded me of Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter series.

An odd woman, distinct personality that separated her from others. Soft spoken, kind, and enthusiastic. Even when this job is quite depressing at times, she was always seen walking around with a small smile on her face. She was also blunt and conversations with her were surely entertaining. That's why I enjoyed having them with her.

I occupied the seat beside her then slouched down, kicking my feet up on the wooden table. I took a deep breath that I've been holding in for a while now. I felt terrible. Death sure knew how to make the most happiest person gloomy. That's how I was feeling, and it's been surrounding this hospital for the past few days.

"Wanna listen to Forrest sounds with me?" Tee asked, breaking the silence. I turned my head to look at her, seeing her holding out one AirPod for me.

"No, thank you." I declined. She nodded then put her AirPod away.

I leaned my head back and slowly shut my eyes. I shut them tight to keep myself from crying. I failed yet another surgery minutes ago and it was tearing me up on the inside. I don't know what was in the air, there clearly was something, that was turning this hospital upside down. As weird as it may sound, we were having more gloomy days at this hospital than happy ones. I didn't expect everyday to be easy.

I was in the medical field, nothing about doing surgery on a patient was lovely. I learned a lot in medical school about how do surgery, how to properly clean instruments, and other important stuff. What they didn't teach us was how to handle death. I'm sure if they did, I still wouldn't be able to handle it.

"How are you feeling?" Tee asked. I kept my eyes shut but still chose to communicate with her.

"Not good, Tee. Not good," I replied honestly.

"Another bad one?"

I nodded, knowing that she was referring to my surgery. It was an older man, in his forties or fifties, who was trapped in a house fire. Firefighters took too long to search for him and when they did get him, well he had about ten minutes of life left in him. That time was cut in half the moment he was laid on the surgical table. I tried to do what I could but if a person is already on the brick of death, nothing was possible. Like nothing.