If I Have To

The Truth Within Me

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
March 8th

Xena M.

Swimming was one thing. Riding on a boat was another. Nonetheless, I found myself enjoying the water a lot more than when I first came out here. Its turquoise color was definitely a sight to see. I found myself mesmerized with it, reason why I was leaned over the edge to get a good look. If I can remember correctly, the driver told us to not lean over. Obviously, I wasn't listening and I didn't care either. This was one of those moments where it was alright to not follow the rules.

I thought about touching the water but hesitated. I wasn't going to go that far. My back was starting to hurt anyway so I sat up straight and looked at Kasey. We've been silent the entire ride. Actually, we haven't said a word to one another since waking up this morning and having breakfast. All he told me was that we were taking a ride and after that there was nothing more. I wasn't sure if there was an issue going on between us and I just wasn't aware of it.

I was always getting on someone's nerves to the point where I couldn't keep up with who I annoyed or not. I couldn't think of anything either, which left me confused as to why we haven't spoken. He was probably regretting this whole thing with my constant questioning. I had to fix it asap or I'll end up pissing this man off so bad he'll end leaving me.

And I'll be upset if that happened.

I cleared my throat and he instantly turned to face me. I gave him a small wave, "Hello." I dragged out.

He chuckled. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Uhhh, I mean, I think so." I answered, making him raise his brows.

"We haven't said anything to each other, so I'm wondering what's up?" I explained. He lifted his head a little then dropped it to nod.

"Nothings up beside the sun." He pointed in the sky then let out a laugh. I rolled my eyes at him, he was always playing around. I liked it though.

He was lighthearted and cool. Not serious all the time which was the complete opposite of me. I had to learn how to cool it sometimes. Let things go and vibe out. That'll only happen if I let my guard down and I struggled with that. Whenever I did, people seemed to take advantage of me and I ended up being the bitch in everyone's story. I had my faults though. Everyone else wasn't the problem all the time. I was too. Which I why I wasn't all the way sure about Kasey.

He's too nice to me and that was scary. If I end up falling, then there's a possibility that I might land in a bottomless pit. Heart broken once again. Feelings hurt. Back to the hardcore, rude, bitchy Xena that needed to be tamed. In all honesty, I wanted to be soft. Like my mom and Jada. Their husbands did everything for them. Took care of them and loved them unconditionally. Neither of them had to worry about anything because they were locked in with their loved ones. But they still have their careers and hobbies going on for them.

I wanted that too but I was scared.

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt his touch. I came back to reality and saw Kasey's hand over mine.

"Come here," he nicely told me though his deep voice sounded like he was demanding it. Either way, I did as told and scooted over to him. He caught me off guard when he wrapped his arm around my waist.

He must've noticed the sudden shock since I felt him about to move his arm. "It's fine," I stopped him. He look down at me for reassurance and I gave it to him.