UNCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS

Again and Again

Y/N POV:

Your mind has never been so silent. All you could do was blink...you couldn't even speak. Your memory is a little foggy but you remember Eren carrying you and then somehow ending up in a hotel with him under a fake name.

He spoke to you but you never spoke back, you just looked at him, that was all. Eventually, he got you into the bathroom and the sound of running water caught your attention. All you could think about was Reiner...and Grisha putting a bullet in his head in front of you. You didn't kill him, you failed. He didn't get to suffer like you've suffered, once again the end to all of this mistreatment was unfair.

"Lift your arms up princess," Eren said to you but you didn't move, he undressed you himself and yet you felt no different.

Steam began to fog up the mirror in the bathroom. Everything that happened replayed in your mind over and over again but when the first drop of water hits your skin, the sound of Eren telling you that he loves you for the first time is what you began to think about.  He loves you. That's what he told you, he told you that he was choosing you and there was nothing but love in his eyes when he said that time you.

You didn't see the love before but now you see it, you see that how you were reacting to all this death is exactly what he was trying to avoid. Eren got you in the shower, he stood outside of it but kept the curtain pulled back so he could wash the blood off your skin while hot water ran against your skin.

The water wasn't as soothing as it should've been. Nothing could have soothed this...lack of feeling you had. This numbness could not be fixed even if the water was boiling hot. Eren got all the blood off your face and hadn't said anything else since telling you to lift your arms. This isn't what you needed, it isn't what wanted.

You didn't need time to process, you needed him. He was your processing, he was everything and more to you. He chose you and even when you didn't choose him...he still stood by his choice. You looked over at him, washing your skin gently and not looking at your face yet.

It was only then that you had to pause, you pulled yourself out of your mind and looked at him. You felt a sudden wetness on your face, not from the water of the shower. Before you knew it, you were crying, you stood in front of Eren and began to cry but the look on his face told you that he was expecting you to break down all of a sudden like this.

You couldn't say why you were crying this hard so suddenly. You weren't sure Eren knew either but either way he held you in his arms all the same. You felt absolutely sick to your stomach, helpless, and numb all at once.

"I just wanted my mom." You sobbed, feeling the water from the shower brush against your skin as tears continued to run down your face.

It was such a confusing moment you somewhat blacked out, you remember crying hard but you don't remember getting out of the shower with Eren somehow you were lying on the hotel bed now. You were dressed in sweatpants and a regular tee that seemed like it was Eren's. He didn't say much to you at all but you could feel his presence and how he was watching you.

You didn't move from the bed or move your mouth to speak. You lay there on your side, across the room was a large window giving you a city view that you looked out of. Your awareness kept going in and out, on and off like a light switch, it was strange but not the strangest thing you were feeling.

You remembered your last conversation with Eren, and how you left him alone after he told you that he loves you. You didn't say it back to him or anything, you left him despite him telling you how he was "choosing" you. You don't even know why you're in the hotel at all, you start to listen to a few of the phone calls Eren made. You gathered that it was a safety precaution since there was no way around what you did to Reiner and Grisha's men ending up on the news, it was far too big of a mess for Eren to cover himself like he normally did with his police connections.