MERCENARY 3: Descent into Madness |BTS JIMIN FF|

6

I thought I'd be better if I did something else. Focus on something else. So I went to my knives, but just looking at them, I realized that I now hate them.

I used to love standing here for hours. I used to enjoy listening to the sound of the blade swooshing through the air and the sounds it makes when it hits the target. I loved the feeling of the cold steel in my hand. I loved how powerful it made me feel. But now, holding that same blade, it is anything but that.

I hate it.

I hate it because this very same thing took her from me. I hate being in this room because I know that I will never get to see her in here with me. I'll never turn around again and see her watching me with adoration and amazement. I will never feel my heart skipping beats while I watch her handle them herself, making me fall in love with her even more. I hate that I can see my reflection in the blade, reminding me of another reason for her death. Holding the same deadly weapon like I've done a billion times before, now it makes me feel weak and useless.

I looked at the practice dummy, and my stomach twisted yet again.

The arrow she shot is still there, with my knife cut through it. The same arrow that she was taught how to shoot by the very same man who took advantage of her and defiled her in her last moments. Someone we trusted.

I screamed in anger, flinging the knife at the doll, missing it by a mile.

And it only made me angrier.

A knife after knife, I threw them at the dummy, not even seeing where I'm throwing them because my anger and tears were clouding my vision and my mind. I missed every single one.

Every single blade was on the floor, laying feet behind the doll, mocking me further.

I looked at my hands, watching them shake as the blood leaked from cuts I have just given to myself, which I haven't done in a decade. My tears fell on my palms, mixing with the blood and making it run down my weak forearms.

I can't do this.

I'm sorry, Jin. I know I told you I'd live, but I just can't live with this pain. It is consuming me completely. I can't. I don't care if it's cowardly, but I just can't handle it.

I took the blade from the table, pressing the sharp point into my forearm, preparing to drag the line down to my wrist, like I did to her all that time ago.

I took a shaky breath, stiffling a sob to steady my hand and not miss, but then I stopped.
Like at her grave, I could hear her voice in my head,

'I thought you were gonna get those assholes for me first. That's just rude.'

I dropped the blade on the ground, falling down with my back stuck to the table. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, pulling on my hair until it hurt while my chest kept tightening more and more.

My vision became slightly darker and I knew what was about to happen. I've had so many panic attacks last 2 weeks that I can recognize them coming by now.

Unable to breathe once again, I choked on the lack of air, feeling that familiarly crushing pressure on my chest. I grabbed onto my chest, tapping until I felt her ring on my necklace and I pulled it out in my confused state, holding it tightly in my fist, pressed to the aching hole in my chest.

'I love you... I love you... I love you...' I kept repeating those three words like a prayer until I could breathe again and my vision started lightening up

I leaned my head back to the table, taking deep, slow breaths to steady myself, closing my eyes as I did, but I never let go of her ring.

'You're right. I promised you I'd pay them back first, baby. I won't fail this, too.'

JIN POV

I knew he was too destroyed to be left alone, so I followed after him. In general, he would notice me instantly, but in a state that he's in, he didn't even notice me standing at the door.

I watched him throw those knives and miss every single one, and he never missed a single one in his life. At least since I've known him. But he was crying. His screams coloured in pain and confusion as he kept throwing them. He was getting his feelings out somehow, and that's a good thing.

At least until he nearly slit his wrists. I was ready to jump in there and stop him, but then he stopped himself and collapsed with more sobbing. And then another panic attack, but this time, he helped himself.

I watched him hold onto that little piece of metal, muttering that he loves her. Maybe he doesn't like to do the counting thing, but if this is what helps him, I won't complain. Although I should be worried, because he might actually be going insane.

'You're right. I promised you I'd pay them back first, baby. I won't fail this, too.'

'I know. I fucked these up, didn't I?' He almost smiled at himself, keeping his eyes closed

He looked down at his hand, opening it to look at the ring in his palm. 'Are you really down there? Did you really come home with me?'

He is talking to himself. And it's not one of those little conversations that most people have, when they mumble to themseleves. He is having a full blown conversation like she's still here. I honestly had to look around just to make sure that her ghost is not creeping up somewhere in the room.

'I don't feel like you're down there, baby. It doesn't feel right.'

'Do you know where Taehyung is? Is he alive?'

'Maybe I should go find him...'

I watched him wipe his tears, but there was blood on his face now. I didn't notice that he cut himself up until now.

'Wanna go and check it out with me?'

For a second, I thought he was talking to me, but he continued talking to himself.

'I guess I should, huh? Less trouble cleaning it up.' He chuckled a little

Yes. Definitely gone off the rails. But I can't blame him. I was much like him for months after I lost my girls. Maybe even worse.

I always heard that love is the most beautiful thing. Something that makes you feel full and happy. A feeling of lightness and carefreeness. A feeling like no other. But no one ever tells you just how painful it can be.

How that love can turn into destruction and make you feel like you're dead when you're still breathing. How all those feelings can flip in a blink of an eye and make you feel empty and like you lost everything worth living for. No one tells you how much it hurts.

And no one can help you heal from something like this, because you never truly heal. Things get better, but they never get fixed. 

All any of us can do is pull him along and push him where we can. And if he can't do it anymore, we need to let him go. Even if we don't want to.