MERCENARY 3: Descent into Madness |BTS JIMIN FF|

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RAIN POV

House felt like it's been a lifetime since I've been here. Even more so seeing all of the guys. What I didn't prepare myself for was Jungkook.

When he hugged me, I fell apart. I thought I would be terrified, but I wasn't. Not with a single one of them. But I saw the look in his eyes. I saw the pain, and then I inflicted even more when I asked to be alone. He even faked a smile and let himself out, leaving me with the bed.

I want to feel his arms around me and sleep in his embrace, but I don't want to hurt him. My nightmares are violent. I end up hurting myself most of the time, and I can't hurt him. Not him. But if I tell him that I have them, he will somehow make it his fault, as he always does. No matter what happens, he finds a way to blame himself for it.

I just want to give it time until it's safe for him to hold me without me attacking him in our sleep. And time to find a way to live with the filth and shame that were forced on me.

What if he never wants me again? What if he finds me disgusting now, like I find myself?

As soon as I walked into our room, I felt safe. His scent is all around me. The chicken and koala are staring at me from the corner, reminding me of times when I begged for a simple touch from him. Pictures of our wedding are taped on the wall opposite the bed, and not in the drawer where I kept them. My things are still in the same places from months ago, too. He hasn't moved a thing. And a picture of me was on his nightstand, propped up on a lamp like he put it there to look at it.

How can I even cry anymore?

I laid down on the bed, hugging his pillow, only to find that the pillow that should be mine smells like him. He must have been hugging this one. He missed me like I've missed him.

Keeping my sobs quiet, I shoved my face into his pillow, screaming into it as my chest was bursting with pain.

I spent countless nights crying his name out, wishing upon every star to be here with him, for him to hold me. Now when I'm here, I'm pushing him away.

Where did the strong Rain go?

JIMIN POV

I wanted to go and sit by the grave, just to have some peace, but I remembered a silly promise, and now I'm here. Sitting in front of the room in this dark hallway with a bouquet of red roses, unsure of what to do with them. I keep pricking my finger on the same thorn over and over, purposely letting it cut through my skin just to numb the pain inside, but it's not doing a thing.

How do I give them to her? Do I even do it? Will she be happy about it or find it creepy? Do I knock and run? Do I go inside? 

After thinking it through, I opted for leaving them in front for her to find, but that idea fell through when I heard screaming from the inside, and without another given thought, I ran in.

She was writhing on the bed, crying in her sleep and tossing about almost aggressively. Her hair was sticking to her sweaty face, and her nails were digging into her own skin from where she was hugging herself in a protective manner.

'Rain. Wake up, baby. Wake up.' I shook get gently but it did nothing

Shaking her a bit roughly, she finally woke up, but was in pure hysteria and started fighting me off, screaming at me in fear to get away from her.

'It's me! It's me. It's just me!'

Her eyes wide open and her hands flaying, she landed a few good hits on my face and chest before realizing what's going on, and I let her.