When I look at me this is what I see:
I am feminine
I am fat
All the white lines on my thighs and breasts
Making me look fat although not overweight
I never was
People always thought I was a boy
People always said I was too slim
But here I am
Feeling like twice my weight and thrice my size
My hips too big my muscles too small
Can't diet down my bones
And I wouldn't stick to it anyways
I will binge and I will cry
I will wish to finally die
But here I am, still going on
Because sometimes I see the truth
I ain't a girl after all
My body doesn't look that bad either
I might even be pretty, handsome, whatever word fits the best
Sometimes there is the hope I thought was long lost
So I keep trying
Keep shutting down that stupid voice
☆
When I tried to write this text (after the poem) it became a rant over stupid things people told me that led to this estranged view of myself. It's too personal to post and actually I don't know what else I could write here.
Maybe a "you are beautiful no matter what your brain tells you", but personally I'd find that hard to believe from a stranger on the internet who's never seen me. Also while compliments are nice to hear, that sentence wouldn't cure anyone's eating disorder or body dysmorphia or dysphoria.
Yes, I am sure you are beautiful/handsome, but you don't have to force yourself to think that. Who would I be to tell you? It's great to work on your view of yourself (and if you can you should), but don't feel like you instantley have to love yourself when that doesn't seem possible. Stuff like this takes time, even if you give your best.
I've had people tell me how ugly I was and how ashamed I should be and I've had people tell me - around the same time - that I should be grateful for how good I look. Both made me feel awful. If you think someones ugly you don't have any reason to tell them - have your opinion if you want but don't fucking hurt them. Don't tell someone to be grateful when you don't know their struggle. Sentences like "You finally put on some weight, great", "You are brave for wearing that", "You look so feminine, even with a boy's haircut" or "I wish I could look like you" aren't compliments (or at least not for everyone). Just don't comment on people's appearence, you don't know what they're going through.
With that in mind: Strech marks, scars, cellulite, acne, birth marks, extra skin or fat and body hair don't make you ugly. At least not for everyone, some people will always find you pretty. I know people/have friends with all of the above. I have friends who struggle(d) with their looks even more than me and I find none of them in any way ugly. Without make-up or surgeries most if not all people have something considered "not pretty", it's normal. Most body goals are unrealistic. And for everyone who judgingly looks at you or makes a stupid comment there is someone who thinks you look great and just isn't confident enough to tell you.
YOU ARE READING
It does get better.
PoetryPeople say it will get better. But to be fair, most of them never were in your place. They say you will get happy again, but how can they know? I've struggled with trauma, mental illnesses and self harm for many years. These are (mostly) poems - abo...
