I'm feeling weird
Why is getting better what I feared?
Shouldn't I be grateful?
I'm able to do things everyone always could
Am I finally being the way I should?
Do other people feel like this all the time?
I'm finally in control
Sometimes I might even feel whole
I can stand up when I want to
There are people I can love
And jokes about that I can laugh
Things that most people can
I can walk outside
Or use scissors and feel alright
And that's new for me too
☆
Four or five years ago I though I was bipolar. I knew I had depression, although undiagnosed. I didn't know it was so bad I never knew how I was supposed to feel. Whenever I hadn't severe depression it freaked me out - I felt "too happy" and thought I had to be manic (because I didn't know what else it could be).
Now two years after getting my current diagnoses and a whole lot of recovery I would still fit the criteria for mild depression. I'm not healed or cured, but my bad days are just like those I once mistook for mania.
I relearn to be happy and do things that arent difficult for other people.
I used to not being able to get out of bed because I was mentally too weak to control my body. Now I either stand up or just enjoy the comfortable bed, but it's a decision I can make.
I can buy bread or ice cream if I want to, because I learnt how to speak to strangers (I hate it though).
I also learn things like doing what I like without judging myself too much and reconnecting with old interests from childhood.
☆
Oh, and I wrote my first final exam aand I'm 600 days clean now :)
That's a huge number, my goal was 180 haha. But it was the right decision to keep going.
YOU ARE READING
It does get better.
PoetryPeople say it will get better. But to be fair, most of them never were in your place. They say you will get happy again, but how can they know? I've struggled with trauma, mental illnesses and self harm for many years. These are (mostly) poems - abo...
