You look for answers in a crystal ball
In the cast of bones or shape of stones
Tarot spread and tea ground in your cup
I look in the reflections of water
In the color of clouds
How the landscape forms new furrows
You tell me too search within my soul
I should look inside myself
And so I do
Only that I take it too literally
My clouds are nothing but marks
The furrows are cuts
Waiting to scar over and fade again
My waters aren't clear,
Their wells not in nature
The color is first vibrant red
Then darkens as new ones appear
I open up my skin to look inside
I watch the waters flow
Pulsating with the beat of my heart
Now that it's done I can finally see
I took your advice
Now I have my answers
But for what price?
Here goes my vitality
☆
Self harm was many things for me, but I didn't think of it like this before (so it's a little weird that I randomly have the idea/inspiration for this, right?).
Now that I think more about it, I think it sometimes might really have been a way to find answers.
I often used self harm to shut off my emotions and thoughts, so I could think clear again.
I asked myself if I was bad enough and doing it meant yes. It proved how broken I was and therefore gave me a comforting feeling if validation.
Self harm told and taught me many things, mostly lies. That I deserved to hurt and always would, that I would never be able to get better, that self harm would help.
It offered simple solutions to far too complex problems while I was losing myself in it.
☆
This is unrelated to the poem, but today I'm really proud if my progress so far. I am sure I can and will reach the two year milestone this summer and I want to celebrate it somehow.
YOU ARE READING
It does get better.
PoetryPeople say it will get better. But to be fair, most of them never were in your place. They say you will get happy again, but how can they know? I've struggled with trauma, mental illnesses and self harm for many years. These are (mostly) poems - abo...
