It does get better.

☆ Just one more time ☆

This is a vent about strong urges and not feeling valid, mentioning depth, scars and blood.

☆

I want to do it again

I want to feel that pain again
Prove that I'm still alive
I want a scar, raised and thick
Proving all my pain
And I want the validation
I'll get because of it

Just one more time
Then I'll quit again
Just one more relapse
I promise, no regrets this time

I'll finally reach my goals
It won't be "what if" anymore

I'll draw blood
And with it I will paint myself
Into who I want to be
Who I already am inside

I'll draw my trauma
I'll draw my pain
I'll make it into scars
So you can finally see it all

And I will show you
To finally make you proud

I'll show how bad I am
That I deserve the help
And ain't attention seeking

Then I'll prove how strong I am
Not the coward that I used to be
I'll finally go deep, finally get dangerous

And then I'll stop again
Recovering in peace
Knowing it was worth it
And I'm not faking anymore

I'll finally be valid
I'll finally be happy
I'll finally make peace

I said I would stop
And I will
Just not yet

Just one more time
Just one
I'll make it worth it

☆

I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling really really bad, but I'm better now. I didn't relapse and I don't think I will soon (or hopefully ever, for that matter).

The thing is, I was addicted, no matter how bad it seemed from the outside. My struggle was real, just mostly internal and invisible. And that's okay.
I was mentally much worse than anyone could have guessed from the outside and I don't need scars to prove that, that's not how it works.

Instead I want to prove that you can recover without having scars or any other "proof" of what happened.

(Also sorry for the long pause, my life is somehow just as stressful as it was with school and everything.)