(CN: suicide talk at the bottom)
I swallowed the pill to keep me alive
Not knowing the side effects
That it would kill me from within
It's a medicine that doesn't heal
I didn't know what it was, nor what it did
But it feels deserved, so I went on
Now I'm broken
But I'm still alive
So maybe it worked
Only thing, it wasn't a pill
It was a course of action
But still got me addicted like one
☆
Self harm is a bad coping skill, but it is one. In my opinion children should be teached different ways to process emotions instead of being left alone and somehow finding out that self harm seems to help.
Self harm probably saved my life many times, but if I could I would go back and tell my 9 year old self what much batter ways there are to deal with my problems. And that self harm - which I didn't know existed when I started - can easily turn into an addiction.
I would tell myself that seven years later I'm still struggling, only that I now fear what I could do to myself, that I have to (figuratively speaking) lock away sharp objects because I know I sometimes won't have enough control over myself.
If had known what I did back then would lead to cutting, although only really superficial, I would have never started. Because back then I was still able to see how sick it was. Only I didn't, because I didn't know of it and now here I am, scared what I might do.
I'm at 20 months and all I can think about is that if I ever were to relapse again - and damn, part of me really wants to - I would try to "make it worth it" and finally get bad enough to feel valid. I'm scared. I know I can't let myself relapse ever again, because I won't stop before, well, bad things happen.
But at least that isn't my only reason to stay clean.
And even though yesterday when I wrote this I was mentally in a horrible place, I'm much better now. It's good I put away my sharpest things, but I don't think I would use them, even if I had them right now.
I still (/again) do have some hope for my future.
(btw, the picture above is something I drew some weeks ago when I was bored, it doesn't really fit the poem but still is about pills so yeah)
YOU ARE READING
It does get better.
PoetryPeople say it will get better. But to be fair, most of them never were in your place. They say you will get happy again, but how can they know? I've struggled with trauma, mental illnesses and self harm for many years. These are (mostly) poems - abo...
